tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-63107367861379714672024-03-05T09:47:39.831-08:00Never Said GoodbyeAn adoptee journeyI never got to say goodbyehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04599136318267725546noreply@blogger.comBlogger66125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6310736786137971467.post-19317569107999090922012-09-06T20:42:00.002-07:002012-09-06T20:42:44.118-07:00TrafficI was looking at my overview and it showed that most traffic comes from 3 places- one of them is an adoptive mom blog- I have searched her blog but yet to find her linking me on her blog- anyone have any idea how that is happening? Could it be she is reading my blog? usually it is when there is a link on a persons blog and they click it and come to me?<br />
Just curious.I never got to say goodbyehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04599136318267725546noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6310736786137971467.post-74862455664793760442012-08-05T13:23:00.000-07:002012-08-05T13:23:21.074-07:00articlewww.nytimes.com/2012/08/05/fashion/untying-a-birth-mothers-hands-modern-love.html?pagewanted=1&_r=1&hpw<br />
<br />
<br />
What do you think of this article?I never got to say goodbyehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04599136318267725546noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6310736786137971467.post-74696682958335420402012-07-28T21:11:00.001-07:002012-07-29T22:39:57.460-07:00My brother...<br /><br />
My birth mother had a son 4 years prior to me in Portland Oregon.<br />
<br />
I am toying with the idea of searching for him- she has given me all the information she has and has given me her blessing to do this.<br />
<br />
I have thought about it for most of my life... since I found out about him when I was 12 and when it was confirmed by her when I was 20 and spoke with her the first time....<br />
<br />
I hope he is okay.<br />
<br />
I keep thinking I will stumble upon him somehow.I never got to say goodbyehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04599136318267725546noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6310736786137971467.post-72709676917798107602012-07-23T12:21:00.001-07:002012-07-23T12:21:06.388-07:00and this....I am 50yrs, i adopted a 2yr old and regret it after a few months, I did
not realize the work involved and patience and time consuming. She is
almost 3yrs and i am so frustrated everyday cuz it is all about her. I
have had to put my own son aside and my husband to take care of her. I
dont love her as my own child, but love her cuz she has nobody i feel
sorry for her. My life feels as if i am living it only for her as she
is extremely demanding and with a similar personality of her bipolar mom
whom is my niece. No other family member was able to step up so that
cps wouldnt take her so family members pressured me to take her. Help!<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
this too....<br />
<br />
I guess I am posting these because people tend to say that adoption is so great ....<br />
<br />I never got to say goodbyehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04599136318267725546noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6310736786137971467.post-85754251117974902912012-07-23T12:17:00.003-07:002012-07-23T12:17:47.957-07:00this to....I too hate the child my husband and I adopted. He just turned 9 and has
severe ADHD and other psychological issues. He just recently exposed
himself to our biological 5 yr/old daughter. I do NOT trust him at all.
I told my husband that I didn't want to adopt him from the beginning.
He was 3 1/2 when the adoption was final, but we had had him since the
age of 3 months. <br />
<br />
I could tell around the age of 2 that he needed "help." His behaviors
were impulsive and moods were very unstable. I fear for our safety when
he reaches his teens. He is on meds but that too is an ongoing
battle.....he is cconstantly at the doctors getting his meds adjusted.
He is more trouble than what I have time for. I have 2 other children,
biological, and they seem to always take the back burner b/c he is
constantly demanding my attention. <br />
<br />
I wish that his bio mom could get him back. She claims that she was
never informed of his adoption/termination of parental rights. This kid
is driving me insane and making me a VERY angry person. I want to
enjoy my bio kids and have him out of the equation. Unfortunately, my
husband and mother think he is the greatest thing. I am seriously
considering leaving my husband b/c of him. My sanity is more important
than anything else.<br />
<br />
HELP ME!!!!<br />
<br />
<br />
This is a real post by an adoptive mother... I don't know why I am posting it....<br />
<br />
I am so sad for the children who are adopted by these families and I am so sad that they are not wanted and they have issues and I am just so troubled about adoption at all today. <br />
This poster had the baby from age of 3 months...I never got to say goodbyehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04599136318267725546noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6310736786137971467.post-64855039119138087102012-07-23T11:59:00.002-07:002012-07-23T11:59:35.338-07:00UGH.<em>That is why I would never adopt. I've heard most of the kids are horrible. <span class="bbc_color" style="color: red;">Most birth mothers are trashy and well, that's the DNA that gets passed on to the child.</span> I can't believe so many people still want to adopt.</em><br />
<br />
<br />
<em>Just ran across this....</em><br />
<br />
<em>nice. </em>I never got to say goodbyehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04599136318267725546noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6310736786137971467.post-25831231672561987582012-07-19T11:39:00.002-07:002012-07-19T11:39:49.441-07:00Feelings towards expectant mothers... birthmothers...It seems to me that prospective adoptive parents speak really highly of expectant mothers... how wonderful and brave and strong she is....<br />
<br />
Then you read from Adoptive parents ..... once the expectant mothers actually relinquish and takes on the title of "birthmom"... and the prospective adoptive parents take custody of the baby and become the adoptive legal parents......<br />
<br />
all of a sudden the birthmother is troubled, mentally ill, a danger to the child, demanding, annoying, bothersome, bi polar...<br />
<br />
It is not in every case .. of course-.<br />
<br />
It just troubles me when reading- how these expectant moms who are thought so highly of and treated like hero's become yesterday's old news... and suddenly become a danger to the child...<br />
<br />
I am just thinking about this- it is bothering me today after reading about to many open adoptions closing due to the adoptive parents deeming the birth parents are a threat...<br />
<br />
A threat to who?<br />
<br />
A baby is not a gift and it is not fair to "sell" an expectant mom on open adoption- if you do not stand by the commitment to keep it open. It is not fair to knowingly deceive a expectant mom into thinking she is a member of your family and you are close friends and you care about her-<br />
If you don't.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />I never got to say goodbyehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04599136318267725546noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6310736786137971467.post-16457174207667238162012-07-06T15:32:00.001-07:002012-07-06T15:32:12.703-07:00buyer's remorse...This is the title that this AP chose for her post on an adoption board... very sad.<br />
<br />
Please thoughts and prayers for this child.<br />
<br />
I recently adopted a 6-year-old from China, my 3rd child. The whole
family was part of the decision, as my older daughters had long wanted a
little sister. My partner actually selected the “waiting child” we
adopted. The transition has had typical difficulties: temper tantrums
at first, sleeping problems, communication issues with English as a
second language, and sibling jealousy. What I was not prepared for was
for my partner to decide that “this is too much trouble; give the child
back.” Of course, I’m not willing to do that. Has anyone else
experienced anything like this? How did you deal with it?I never got to say goodbyehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04599136318267725546noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6310736786137971467.post-52313477064209247652012-07-05T16:30:00.002-07:002012-07-05T16:37:37.734-07:00mom and dad came to visit...My mom and dad came - my adoptive parents... of course since my biological parents have not been together in the same state since well- 1980 before they even knew of my existence in the womb even- it most likely goes without saying that when mom and dad come to visit- that would be - ya know- mom and dad my adoptive parents-.<br />
It went ... well and not so well.<br />
nails on the chalkboard kind of feeling.<br />
They were here from Sunday night to Wednesday morning... <br />
<br />
The last night they were here we went to my sons ball game and then on to eat dinner... and we got home and I went to my room with my son- and my daughter was in and out-and all of a sudden my mom was yelling- that I was not helping- my new kitten had thrown up in my daughters bedroom and I was not helping to clean it up. So I got up and grabbed the paper towels. "Where is it" I asked?... finally after searching for it for some time- she says I cleaned it up. "Oh" I say and retreat back to my bedroom. At which point my father comes into my room and starts yelling about me texting thru dinner. I was texting. I was being cordial to a point but I was texting- most likely a negative coping skill- zoning out- distracting myself from things that are uncomfortable for me... then he lifts a vacuum he had fixed for me and starts to go on about how I am LAZY. That I don't empty my vacuum enough- and it goes on and on. My son is laying there and I say- Grandma and Grandpa are not going to be able to come back if they can not stay calm when they are here.... which of course he reports back to grandma and then it gets really fun. My mother coming into my room trying to get me to hug her. I don't want to I reply. I am mad at you. Hugging my mother- after she just threw a temper tantrum when I have TRIED to spend time with her and be HER DAUGHTER for her- and for me- is exhausting and I don't want to fight or argue or talk it out and I surely do not - WANT TO HUG.<br />
Finally my mom comes back in and I do hug her. She says... I know you are mad at me and I am sorry that I yelled at you. So I hugged her. It was uncomfortable at best. But i did it because I am not a malicious person. I am a very nice giving person to everyone who crosses my path... save my mother, and my father. But I try. She kept saying she was sorry and I said- well what are you sorry about? How can you be sorry when you do not even know what you did? When you do not acknowledge it? There is no answering this question- there is no answer- until I am ready to tell her- which would cause her pain- and I won't do that- we will continue to give fake hugs and stressful visits- 2 day visits... always at my house... not at my childhood home with hopes that I have some control- that I am on my turf and can retreat to my private spaces without someone coming in and telling me I am lazy or yelling at me... or just making me uncomfortable in my own skin.<br />
<br />
I know she is not mad about kitten throw up- I know she is not mad that I did not know about it. She is mad... and she does not know why- I am mad and I know why but do not have the words or the evilness in me to tell her.<br />
<br />
And then she drops a bombshell. I know you feel bad and I know you are hurt and have been hurt your whole life... I know you feel like you live in outerspace and I don't know how to help with that... I did not know. But the thing is- I know I am not your mother but you are my daughter and that is hard.<br />
<br />
So this is what she is mad about. She thinks I do not think she is my mother or maybe it is that SHE does not think she is my mother.... She is my mother- the mother I talk to every day. I call in the morning- or she calls me- just to make sure I am up. We talk throughout the day mostly... She visits without my father at least every other month and she is the grandmother to my children. When things happen and I need help- she is who I call...She raised me. She is my mother. But she has most likely never believed that she was- or that I thought she was- and since she never took the time to deal with those feelings- she is angry. Because while she comes to visit her daughter- she does not think she is truly my mother. Maybe I don't either- I don't know. It is to complicated for me to get my head around. I try- I try so hard to fulfill that for her.... that adult mother daughter relationship.<br />
<br />
How do i accept her as my mother- if she does not truly believe she is my mother and most likely never has.<br />
<br />
A few years ago- she made the comment that if my brother ( their bio) never had kids that then her and dad would never have any real grandkids. My kids were 4 and 2 at the time.... She of course prefaced this statement with DON"T GET MAD- but dad and I were talking and he said....<br />
<br />
MAD? MAD? Mad did not touch how I felt that day-or how I feel right now writing about it...<br />
<br />
don't get mad mom- but ya know- it sort of sucks that I don't get any real parents either.<br />
<br />
Whatever that means.<br />
<br />
<br />
I love my mother- and I love my dad. I love my other mother and my other father to. I am a strange mix of all of them- and then uniquely myself as well... this is just an account of an adult adoptee and a visit with her mother- who does not think she is... her mother... or something like that. I know she is trying to understand.<br />
Forgiveness. Forgiveness. Forgiveness.I never got to say goodbyehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04599136318267725546noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6310736786137971467.post-66217481874200896042012-06-29T04:32:00.002-07:002012-06-29T04:40:24.218-07:00St. Louis TripI took my kids to St. Louis this week! It was such a fun trip. We went to the City Museum... you can see <a href="http://www.citymuseum.org/site/">Here</a> and the Science Center you can see <a href="http://www.slsc.org/">Here</a>.... we stayed overnight and the kids got to swim in the hotel pool for hours. It was nice to get away and just be the three of us. I plan in the near future to be able to travel more with them. <br />
<br />
If you are anywhere near St. Louis- or ever will be the CITY MUSEUM is the place to go. The website does not really do it justice!<br />
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<br />I never got to say goodbyehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04599136318267725546noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6310736786137971467.post-9365768621011854552012-06-03T18:39:00.003-07:002012-06-03T18:39:50.971-07:00<br />
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<a href="http://www.adoptivefamiliescircle.com/members/profile/5315/"> <img alt="momkissez" height="40" src="http://www.adoptivefamiliescircle.com/images/sized/images/site_images/default-user-40x40.jpg" width="40" />
</a>
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A woman trying to adopt from foster care was asking about open adoption on an adoption forum. The mother of the child is asking for an open adoption and weekly phone calls and various visits etc. This is a reply from an adoptive mother....<br />
The replies were very appalling mostly but this one just really really really bothers me. I bolded the worst part to me.<br />
<br />
My first question would be, is she going to be TPR’d if she
doesn’t relinquish? Sounds like she is trying to hold the relinquishment
over your head. Find out from your social worker what will happen if BM
doesn’t relinquish. If the TPR will happen anyway, then don’t agree to
anything you aren’t comfortable with in terms of opening the adoption.
Granted with a private infant adoption, the BM holds the cards, but with
a child that has been removed from the biological family due to abuse
and neglect, the courts hold all the cards. Your daughter’s BM might not
have as much power as she is pretending to have. <br />
With my son, we send a letter and 2 pictures at Christmas and at his
birthday - and trust me, that is MORE than enough contact for me! The BM
then emails me for DAYS for more details to the point of harassment. I
try to answer her emails but eventually it becomes overwhelming and I
have to just stop responding. =( It is sad for me because that was not
really the relationship I wanted with her. The problem is that she ONLY
wants to talk to me about my son - and can mostly only talk about what a
horrible kid he was in her care. She has even admitted to me that she
hated him and was afraid of him. She has no desire to talk to him, meet
with him or anything else! <b>So even after you stand your ground and
determine the most comfortable level of contact, you may find with time,
that you are not able to fully embrace the concept of open adoption.
<u><i>Remember that there is no law that actually says you have to honor an
open adoption.</i></u> I believe that an open adoption CAN be a wonderful thing
but my situation doesn’t seem to warrant an open adoption.
</b>I never got to say goodbyehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04599136318267725546noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6310736786137971467.post-13628165735441905242012-06-03T18:25:00.004-07:002012-06-03T18:25:39.058-07:00Please read this bloghttp://abortedadoption.blogspot.com/<br />
<br />
This blog is being written by a previous prospective adoptive mom about her experience adopting a child. Go back and read the first post until you get to the most recent post. She is in the middle of the "story"<br />
Please join in and read this.I never got to say goodbyehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04599136318267725546noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6310736786137971467.post-8057711514035970402012-05-31T11:30:00.004-07:002012-05-31T11:36:54.762-07:00I got nominated for a beautiful blogger award....<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<img alt="beautifulbloggeraward21 thumb My nominees for the Beautiful Blogger Award" border="0" height="400" src="http://www.faithfulladoptee.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/beautifulbloggeraward21_thumb.jpg" style="background-image: none; border-bottom: 0px; border-left: 0px; border-right: 0px; border-top: 0px; display: inline; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;" title="beautifulbloggeraward21" width="400" /></div>
<br />
<br />
I got nominated for a blog award! This surely has never happened before:) Made my day. My blog is so messy and not thought out well and I am sort of embarrassed by it... tho it does give a glimpse into my ADHD mind haha.<br />
<br />
Thank you for nominating me!<br />
I am supposed to nominate others...<br />
<br />
My nominees are<br />
<br />
Love is Not A Pie<br />
<br />
"Where is Baby Lily, Mommy"<br />
<br />
Lost Daughters<br />
<br />
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<br />I never got to say goodbyehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04599136318267725546noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6310736786137971467.post-79499109598777304502012-05-30T18:02:00.002-07:002012-05-30T18:02:59.932-07:00Friend passed away....A friend of mine from my hometown passed away. I have not lived there in a few years... but we did keep in touch over facebook a little. My adoptive brother text and called me to let me know which was really nice of him since we do not have a relationship. He was friends with him as well. He told me he would tell me when he finds out what happened. <br />
<br />
Very sad news for me today. I am awaiting the details and I am saddened for his family and close friends. He just had a birthday on the 24th of this month. It is just a sad thing to die so young. I am 31 and he was a few years ahead of me in school... so young.<br />
<br />
RIP my friend.I never got to say goodbyehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04599136318267725546noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6310736786137971467.post-37859624567221977832012-05-29T14:45:00.001-07:002012-05-29T14:45:33.249-07:00Advertising agencyThis is so disturbing to me. This is a advertising adoption agency.<br />
<br />
This is just a bit of information on their website... that I find appalling. APPALLING!<br />
<br />
Babies should NOT be for sale. If babies were not for sale ... and adoption is all about the costs incurred then why do the babies of color have a different price?<br />
<br />
<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" style="width: 500px;"><tbody>
<tr><td width="201">Caucasian: $25K - $40K</td>
<td width="299">Min. Budget of $25K</td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td>Biracial: $18K to $25K</td>
<td>Min. Budget of $18K</td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td>AA: $15K to $20K</td>
<td>Min. Budget of $15K</td><td> </td><td> </td><td> </td><td> </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
I urge you to go read this sickening website and see if you can see what is WRONG with adoption. If you can't see it... read it again... and again.... and again... until you do. <br />
<br />
If you find yourself making excuses or trying to make this okay and make sense and legitimize it... read it again. Then come back and discuss your feelings with me. We are here to learn from each other.<br />
<br />
AND please ask yourself if the INDUSTRY of ADOPTION is something you want to support... or be a part of.<br />
<br />
IF you are an adoptive parent and this angers you and you think it is wrong- Please speak out- <br />
<br />
<br />I never got to say goodbyehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04599136318267725546noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6310736786137971467.post-6858397797572188442012-05-25T21:28:00.003-07:002012-05-25T21:28:40.621-07:00Has adoption changed?This comes from an infertility website.... bolding and emphasis is mine. <br />
<br />
"My Biggest Fear Was...<br /><br />My biggest fear was that I would never
have a baby. It was all I ever wanted. Having suffered with
endometriosis for many years, I knew it would be difficult. I never
imagined that it would be a four year journey which included 4
laparoscopies, 3 HSG's too many blood tests, countless shots, at least 9
inseminations, 2 failed attempts at in-vitro, and a heartbreaking
miscarriage. Then there was emotional pain. Every month I had to
endure yet another loss, and somehow find strength so set myself up all
over again. I never understood why it was happening to me. The
monsters of this world were having babies and leaving them in dumpsters,
and I couldn't get pregnant no matter what I did - how can that be? I
know the answer now, and I can look back and say it was all worth it
because my story has a happy ending - a beautiful little boy name
Austin.<br /><br /><b>My husband and I never really discussed adoption. It
was part of our plan, though - <i>the very last resort. </i>We would do so
many inseminations, then so many in-vitro's and then if none of that
worked we would adopt. </b> Sounds logical, right? But we never thought it
was going to come to that because we kept telling ourselves that we were
going to get pregnant. When the day came that we reached the end of
our plan and we decided to give up on becoming pregnant, it wasn't as
hard to let go as I thought it would be. I remember a tremendous
feeling of relief. I finally felt like there was a light at the end of
the tunnel. We realized that we could become parents without getting
pregnant and this time it was really going to happen. Why didn't we
think of this sooner? Six months later we were holding our beautiful
baby boy in our arms. In that instant, all the pain of infertility when
away. We had our baby and we were his parents and our joy was
indescribable.<br /><br />We chose and international adoption for many
reasons. The main reason was time - it took only six months for an
infant baby boy (our son was five months old when we brought him home).
We were told domestic adoptions could take years and then there was the
unbearable fear that someone could try to take him away from me. I
didn't even like the idea of "open" adoptions, which seem so popular
these days. <b>I waited so long for a baby, I certainly didn't want to
share him with anybody. </b> <b>We decided on Russia because we knew the baby
would look like us and we knew the adoption was completely closed.</b> I
was fortunate enough to have chose a wonderful agency like EAC, who
patiently helped me through all of the paperwork and, more importantly,
gave us the baby of our dreams.<br /><br />Austin has been with us for three
years now. Sometimes we still pinch ourselves when we look at him. He
is so beautiful and smart and loving - we feel like the luckiest people
in the world to have this perfect little boy in our lives. <b>It doesn't
matter where he came from - we couldn't possibly feel more love or pride
for him. </b>We realize that some people are meant to become parents
through adoption, and we are two of those people. It is the best thing
that has ever happened to us. I honestly believe that we could not have
produced such a beautiful child - we were graciously blessed with him.
He was born in our hearts and was always meant to be our.<br /><br />Scott and Jodi"<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
I am simply posting this as an eye opener for those who do not believe that adoptive parents still feel this way or have these thoughts. <br />
<br />Has adoption changed? Yes. Has it changed enough? NO.I never got to say goodbyehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04599136318267725546noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6310736786137971467.post-32785285690813913932012-05-22T12:04:00.003-07:002012-05-22T12:08:39.124-07:00Bragging about my kids!This is something I don't do ... very often....<br />
<br />
but even with all my dysfunction and troubles... I have two really great kids... and in all honesty- it is not because of me- it is mostly in spite of me and they are just truly some really really great kids!<br />
<br />
And i want to tell you about them... and me... and how things are...<br />
<br />
My son who I will call K, is 8 years old and going to be 9 in June. He loves to read and learn and is very gifted thinker. He is very caring and concerned with others feelings. He is a genuinely good person and I love who he is becoming.<br />
He is now into baseball- He has played for 2 years and he has just made the ALL STAR traveling team here in town.... Very cool. I love to watch the games and his dad my ex-husband coaches his team. I am one proud mama!<br />
<br />
My daughter is 6- We will call her L. She is a doll. An absolute doll. She has the cutest ways and this curly crazy hair I just never can quite figure out what to do with!<br />
She loves to sing and dance and be a girl. She is funny. She is expressive. She is my girl and she is growing up so fast!<br />
She is involved in a cheerleading group this summer- I never was a cheerleader and had absolutely no interest - but she does so off to cheer practice we go. With this group she gets to cheer in parades and at a Minor League Baseball Game in July. That will be fun for her. <br />
<br />
Today my son asked to see pictures of his cousins who live in Canada on facebook. I have not met my cousins children as - they live in Canada and we are not close though we do chat from time to time on FB. He looked at the pictures of his second cousins and said I know I don't look like them because you are adopted he said I look like my dad's family- which in fact is partly true- but he does resemble my birthfamily. I said no sweetie you don't. Do you want to see pictures of our birthfamily? So I showed him the facebook pages of the family on my birthdad's side that I have as friends ( 4 people) and he thought it was really cool how I looked like my aunt and her daughters( my first cousins) and how he resembled her sons.<br />
<br />
It has come to my attention that many adoptees do not tell their children about being adopted to spare their adoptive parents feelings or avoid uncomfortable questions. I told my children at young ages about adoption and that I was adopted. Of course I did this in simple terms. As they get older, they understand more and sometimes ask questions.<br />
<br />
Sometimes- like in the story below when my amom is around....<br />
<br />
The last time my adoptive mom visited we were out shopping together and my daughter was sitting in the back of the car and stated quite clearly "I have three grandmas! Now mom, is grandma like your step mom?" YIKES! I handled it well and told her again about how I grew in S's tummy and she could not take care of a baby so she gave me to grandma J. OH MY. My mom handled it well thankfully she even pointed out that my daughter in fact has more then 3 grandmas and entered the discussion. My daughter does not remember even meeting my birthmom and it was twice that she did and the only contact they have is through gifts and cards and an occasional phone call. <br />
<br />
I understand why adoptees would be cautious about telling their kids to keep things like this from happening.... since kids do not know the meaning of- we really don't talk about this in front of adoptive grandparents....I personally made the right decision for my family...<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Are my kids affected by my adoption?<br />
<br />
Short answer- the way I see it... YES.<br />
<br />
More on that later.<br />
<br />I never got to say goodbyehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04599136318267725546noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6310736786137971467.post-35329958205110804572012-05-20T12:28:00.002-07:002012-05-20T12:28:20.339-07:00http://vsn.org/trauma.html<br />
<br />
This is a good article about adoption trauma. A good read for anyone impacted by adoption.I never got to say goodbyehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04599136318267725546noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6310736786137971467.post-65010445192902573432012-05-18T06:37:00.003-07:002012-05-18T08:14:42.992-07:00Did I betray my adoptive parents by seeking out and finding my biological parents?This is a reply to an article that an adoptee wrote about reuniting with her birthfamily.... It was a very nice article... and the replies- made my head spin.... This is just one of many comments ... many from people saying how horrible it was that this woman searched and if they were adopted they would not search.<br />
<br />
This was from a woman- not a adoptee, not a birthmother, not an adoptive mother... just a woman with a opinion.... there were many similar to this. It seems to me that the belief to shame the adoptee for wanting to know their genetic identity goes deep.... and many people see this as a betrayal to the adoptive parents.<br />
<br />
<b>I have thought about adoption. This has been my hurdle. I am fine if the
adopted child wants the stats and medical history. But, this yearning
for some stranger who gave you up because of a biological link is a slap
in the face I could not take. I have a few friends who are asian who do
not share these issues. None of them have tried to find the biological
parent. If I adopt, it will be an asian child. Can't be bothered with
the rest of this nonsense. Call it silly or whatever, but either you are
my child and I your mum, or not. I am not going to love and sacrifice
for over 18 years for some child to come inform me as an adult that they
want a relationship with the biological stranger parent. That, they
can't decide who should walk them down the aisle. Some people can
probably take this. I know I can't. As if there are not enough issues
and unknowns with adoption, you know have to wonder...will this one
betray me? Will she slight me for the bios.</b><br />
<br />
<br />
I think it is great that this woman is being honest with herself and I do hope that she does not adopt since this would be to hard for her. I honestly think if you can't accept the fact that your adopted child may want contact with their biological family someday- adoption is not for you.<br />
<br />
My question really is- How in the world do you know what you would do if you were an adoptee faced with the decision to search ? How would you know until you
grew up and lived your whole life wondering where you came from, what your story was, who you
looked like, talked like, walked like. How would you know until you walked that road?<br />
<br />
Is it fair to adoptees for people to say what they would of would not do?<br />
<br />
I was reminded by an adoptee friend yesterday that many adoptive parents struggle with infertility first. They go through treatments and great lengths to be able to conceive a genetically related child. Why would it be so hard for adoptive parents to understand that an adoptee would want to know people they are genetically related to?<br />
<br />
More then likely adoptive parents grew up with a biological family- they do not recognize what it is like to not have that biological connection to their parents and other family members.<br />
<br />
What if we can draw a bridge from the deep desire to have a biological child--------to being an adopted person wanting to know their biological family?<br />
<br />
Maybe if people dug deep and remembered that longing- they would get a glimpse of our longing to?<br />
<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>In a study of American adolescents, the Search Institute found that <b>72 percent</b> of adopted adolescents wanted to know why they were adopted, <b>65 percent</b> wanted to meet their birth parents, and <b>94 percent</b> wanted to know which birth parent they looked like.<i> (American Adoption Congress, 1996)</i> </li>
<li>The
psychological literature has established that the desire of 60 to 90
percent of adoptees wanting to obtain identifying information regarding
their <a href="http://www.adoption.com/topics/biological-parent">biological parents</a> is a <b>normative aspect</b> of being adopted. <i>(American Adoption Congress, 1996)</i></li>
<li><i> </i> </li>
</ul>
<h2>
What are the Attitudes of Triad Members Towards Searching?</h2>
<ul>
<li>Sachdev's 1991 study found that a <b>substantial majority</b>
of birth mothers (85.5%) and adoptees (81.1%) supported access by adult
adoptees to identifying information about their birth parents. <i>(CWLA, 1998) </i></li>
</ul>
<br />
<br />I never got to say goodbyehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04599136318267725546noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6310736786137971467.post-52051488616149531592012-05-16T20:43:00.000-07:002012-05-16T20:43:13.878-07:00Open Letter to Prospective adoptive parents and adoptive parentsI borrowed this from an adoptee I know... This is what I want you to know.<br />
<br />
<br />
Open Letter to Prospective Adoptive Parents, Adoptive Parents and anyone else who has an interest in the adoptee experience. <br />
<br />
What you are about to read may shock you. It may challenge you. And,
hopefully, it may inspire you to educate yourself further on the
realities of adoption. Please read the following with an open mind, and
try not to take anything said here personally. Because this is not
meant to be an attack or a judgment; it is meant to be an honest and
heartfelt expression of one adoptee's experience that would hopefully
bring understanding and respect for the often ignored portion of the
adoption equation.)<br /><br />To all adoptive parents, hopeful adoptive parents, and anyone who has ever even considered adoption:<br /><br />Being
adopted hurts. Being adopted is hard. It is not beautiful; it is
brutal, it is tragic, it is a cause for great sadness. For in order for a
child to even be available for adoption, that child must first go
through some sort of tragedy; whether that be abuse, hunger,
homelessness, neglect, or even the simple fact that he or she is losing
the life and family he or she was born into. This makes adoption a
thing to mourn; not a cause for celebration or joy. To be joyful about
adopting a child is to be glad that this tragedy happened.<br /><br />I
don't think there's a soul alive who would actually choose to be born
into a situation where being relinquished for adoption, voluntarily or
otherwise, was necessary. <br /><br />Of course there will always be a need
for children to be removed from their parent(s) and placed in safer,
more stable, loving homes - but please understand that no matter how
good and loving and wonderful the adopting parents are, nothing will
ever erase the pain, the grief, and the loss that comes with being
adopted.<br /><br />The very foundation of adoption is that of loss - a
child loses his or her mother, father, and entire family; a mother,
father and family loses one of their children. And, yes, even a loss
for the adopting parent - sometimes the loss of the expectation of
having their own, biological offspring, the loss of a dream of having a
baby of "their own." A separation of one family MUST occur before a new
one can be built through adoption. Maybe it isn't a voluntary
destruction, maybe the destruction is necessary for the health and
safety of the child - but it is still a destruction of the very core,
fundamental foundations of that child's life that will forever be
altered.<br /><br />Think of it this way...one of your parents dies, and
your surviving parent eventually goes on to remarry. Though you might
grow to love and have a great relationship with your parent's new
spouse, no amount of love and happiness in this present situation will
erase the grief you feel over the loss of your other parent. So please,
if you have adopted or are considering adoption, keep this in mind. <br /><br />Adoption
should be the very last resort after all other options have been tried.
Ask yourself this - does an adoption HAVE to happen? Is there
anything I can possibly do to help this young mother keep her child?
Are there resources I can direct her to, items I can supply her with,
can I offer her the support and encouragement she needs to be a good
parent? If so, then pursuing adoption is not the right choice. Too
many unnecessary adoptions happen as a permanent solution to a very
temporary problem. Adoption, after all, is forever - while a current
living situation, job situation, etc., is temporary and can be changed
and improved. Most women who relinquish their children do so because
they feel they have no other choice...but what if she does have another
choice, and only needs the support and encouragement to make it?<br /><br />Adopted
people know we are a second choice, a "Plan B," a solution to someone
else's problem. While there are some people out there who would choose
adoption first, most only do so after failed attempts at pregnancy or to
"complete" a family of all boys or girls or to give their current child
a sibling. Adding to your family through adoption should never be
about meeting some need of your own...it should always and only ever be
about providing for the CHILD'S needs. Please don't put the added
pressure on an adopted child by forcing them to live up to the unspoken
standard of the child you couldn't concieve or the son or daughter you
couldn't produce. Adoption is not a cure for infertility, nor are
adopted people "gifts" to be passed around in order to complete somebody
else's life. We are human beings in our own right, with our own
feelings, needs, and wants. Don't add to an already painful situation
by expecting us to be something we weren't born to be.<br /><br />Please be
willing to be completely open and honest with the child you may someday
adopt. It doesn't matter how horrible of a situation they came out of;
tell them the truth, and tell them early. For the truth can be dealt
with, it can be processed and closure can be found; but nobody can get
closure from fantasies and daydreams. Adopted people are stronger than
you give them credit for; believe me when I say, we imagine and prepare
for every possible scenario when it comes to our families or origin.
Don't think we haven't entertained the idea that our biological parents
were the worst of the worst, or idealized them as some sort of saintly
creatures, and everything in between. We have already survived the loss
of our original families; don't for one minute think we can't survive
knowing the reason why. And on that note, if an adopted person ever
chooses to search, reunite, or just know more about their family of
origin, don't guilt them into not doing it or make them feel beholden to
you. It has NOTHING to do with you. NOTHING. Human beings are born
with an innate curiosity about who and where we come from. For some
adopted people to feel whole, they need to know their own personal
history and explore their roots. There's nothing wrong with that.
After all, you, as the parent, are responsible for your adopted child's
happiness and well being...not the other way around. Swallow your
pride, put away your jealousy, and support your adopted child in any
quest for truth they may wish to undertake. Believe me, they will thank
you for it.<br /><br />Don't fall into the terminology trap. Adoptees know
they have more than one set of parents...two that created them, and the
parent(s) who are raising them. ALL are real to the adoptee. Don't
get caught up in who is "real" and who is more important; let your
adopted child choose the terminology that suits THEM. If you have been a
good and loving parent, that's all you need. Besides, a parent can
love more than one child, so why can't a child be allowed to love more
than one parent? The heart has an infinite capability to love. Don't
begrudge your adopted child the possibility of loving people he or she
may not even remember. <br /><br />And don't disparage the biological
parents or family either. They may be evil people, the scum of the
earth...but to say anything bad about the biological family is the same
as saying something bad about your adopted child. The child did come
from these people, after all; and better or worse we did inherit parts
of ourselves from them. The old saying applies here more than anywhere
else...if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at
all.<br /><br />Adopted people experience a range of issues from having been
adopted...many suffer from the fear of rejection and abaondonment, have
problems trusting others and forming relationships. After all, our
very mothers could walk away from us, so what's to stop anyone else?
Though not all adoptees experience these, many do, and to varying
degrees. Just because the adopted person in your life hasn't mentioned
it, don't think they don't feel it. Many will never, ever talk about
their negative adoption issues for those exact reasons...fear of
rejection, fear of abandonment, and just the overwhelmingly negative
response they expect. If the adopted person in your life (your child, a
friend or other family member) ever does talk about it, take your
personal feelings and judgments out of it. Resist the temptation to say
things like, "But you had such wonderful [adoptive] parents!" or "but
you could have been aborted/thrown in a dumpster/etc.!" Adoptees are
the only subset of society who are wholly expected to be grateful for
our very lives, and with this expectation comes the need to try to
suppress any negative emotion or feeling. Most adoptees won't even
admit to themselves, let alone other people, that they are hurting.
After all, we got this "better life," didn't we? We don't have the
RIGHT to feel sad/angry/depressed. So many adoptees choose to stay
silent and instead live a lie.<br /><br />And, yes, that goes hand-in-hand
with the child-parent relationship thing...remember, the PARENT is
repsonsible for the health and well being of the CHILD, NOT the other
way around. Only in adoption are adoptees somehow expected to always be
careful not to "hurt" their adoptive parents; not to rock the boat or
bring up something about their adoption because their PARENTS might not
like it. This is another reason so many adopted people don't speak
about adoption...we are afraid of hurting our adoptive parents. I know
that as a parent myself, I would never expect my children to be
responsible for my well-being...so please, don't ever place that
expectation on adopted people either. After all, their adoptive parents
WANTED to adopt, they WANTED a child, and chose this path for
themselves. The adoptee most often did not choose it and had no say in
the matter. Don't expect gratitude. ANYONE could have been aborted,
could have been abandoned, could have been abused. These are not
phenomena that are solely related to adoptees. Just because a person
was adopted doesn't automatically mean they were unwanted, that they
"could have been" anything...they are just people who are being raised
by a different family and are living a DIFFERENT life, not necessarily a
better one.<br /><br />Please, if you are considering adoption or have
already, educate yourself. Read books such as the Primal Wound. Read
blogs by adopted people and relinquishing parents. Go into it with an
open mind and open heart. Understand that there is the very real
potential that the child you someday adopt might just struggle with it.
And while you can be a terrific parent, a wonderful guide and mentor,
the damage has already been done. Be prepared to do the hard work of
helping your child deal with any grief, anger, and other issues he/she
may feel. TALK to them about it. Adoptees are notorious for keeping
things bottled up...let them know it's OK to talk with you about them.
Reassure them that you will NOT be hurt, offended or damaged by their
feelings. ALLOW them the freedom to feel whatever they feel. <br /><br />If
you are considering an open adoption or have entered into an open
adoption, HONOR that. Unless there is some clear and present danger to
the life of your child, KEEP THE COMMUNICATION OPEN. Don't cease
contact with the biological family because it's an inconvenience for
YOU. Understand that yes, at times it might be emotionally trying for
your adopted child, your child may come away from visits or reading
letters and feel depressed and angry, but don't take that as a reason to
cease contact. TALK to your child. Help them understand WHY they are
feeling this way. It's only natural that this might happen; and in the
same breath, the biological mother/father/family may also feel
overwhelmed at times and pull back, but do what you can to keep the
lines of communication open. Remember, adoption is based on loss, and
being reminded of that loss can be overwhelming. But that doesn't mean
it should be avoided. Your adopted child will thank you someday for
sacrificing your own happiness and comfort to allow him/her to keep this
very important connection.<br /><br />Try not to make a big celebration out
of your child's adoption day (and PLEASE don't EVER use the horribly
offensive and insensitive term "Gotcha Day). The same goes for
birthdays. For while it may be a happy occasion to remember, keep in
mind that it also marks the day that the adopted person was permanently
and forever separated from their mother, their father, their original
family. Birthdays are especially hard; for most adoptees have the
knowldedge that our births were not cause for celebration; nobody was
bringing our mothers flowers and balloons and offering congratulations;
our entrance into this world was one of sadness and trepidation. And it
marks the day we were phyisically separated from our mothers; for many
of us, it was the last time we ever saw her. So if the adoptee in your
life withdraws around his or her birthday or doesn't appear to like
celebrating, respect that. Understand that to many of us, it is not a
cause for celebration.<br /><br />I am not trying to tell anyone not to
adopt. I am not saying, "shame on you" to anyone who already has
adopted. What I am saying is, please step back and really think long
and hard about the ramifications of adoption on the very person who is
at the center of it all - the child you hope for or the child you have
brought into your home. Be ready and willing to put a lot of hard work
into helping this adopted child heal, to feel whole and complete in
themselves. Be prepared to put your own needs and wants on the shelf
and to put away your expectations, do what it takes to attend to the
needs of your adopted child. All the love in the world, all the toys
and gadgets and material things you might provide will never replace or
erase what was lost.<br /><br />Family preservation should always be the
goal. Adoption should never, ever be utilized unless it is the last and
only option left. Because adoption should be about finding homes for
children in need; NOT finding children for people to fill a need. Jesus
commanded us to help the orphan AND the widow...we as a society should
do more to help famlies stay together instead of tearing them apart.
Nobody really wants to be adopted...if given a choice, they'd rather
their family situations could improve so that they wouldn't have to be
separated. Would YOU have liked it if your mother gave you away?<br /><br />Sincerely,<br />An adut adopteeI never got to say goodbyehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04599136318267725546noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6310736786137971467.post-37461683267511973262012-05-01T08:04:00.000-07:002012-05-01T08:04:21.449-07:00Dan Rather Adoptionhttp://www.hd.net/programs/danrather/<br />
<br />
Please watch this tonight.<br />
<br />
Please join the discussion here.<br />
<br />
http://news.yahoo.com/abducted-generations-.html<br />
<br />
Please read this blog here-- She is one of the women interviewed on the show.<br />
<br />
http://www.musingsofthelame.com/2012/04/never-imagined-this.html#comment-form<br />
<br />
<br />
Then let me know what you think.<br />
<br />I never got to say goodbyehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04599136318267725546noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6310736786137971467.post-67046693820893415392012-04-29T14:46:00.000-07:002012-04-29T14:46:11.661-07:00How well does your partner understand adoption and adoptee issues?Just curious- if you are in a relationship- at what point do you tell the you are adopted? When do you tell them you are concerned about adoption issues? At what point do you try to explain it to a non adopted person what it is like to be adopted if you are going to be having a close relationship with them? I am seeing a new man and he has figured out that I spend a lot of time on adoptee boards and blogs and seem to care alot about this issue. He seems very perplexed by this and does not grasp it at all.<br />
<br />
What does one do?I never got to say goodbyehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04599136318267725546noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6310736786137971467.post-81836723686221940792012-04-25T09:23:00.000-07:002012-04-25T09:23:39.771-07:00So.... a girl I used to go to church with is a transracial adoptee- she is African American and her mother and father are white. She is on my facebook and today is her birthday her mother is on my facebook to.<br />
<br />
For one- I got annoyed that her father and mother are pastors of a small church and she just announced on facebook that the mother is obsessed with Coach purses and got her one for her birthday. I just don't get the whole Coach purse thing so that had me rolling my eyes- but here is the kicker.<br />
<br />
The mother says 27 years ago today we got to bring you home. That is nice- acknowledges her not being born of her- that is good.<br />
<br />
On down the mom says 27 years later and I still have your stretchmarks. Ummmm.... weird.<br />
<br />
Then the daughter says I love you mom you are beautiful and I get my looks from you.... UMMMM.. no you don't. For one- they look nothing alike and two- she is not biologically related to you at all. <br />
<br />
It just made me sad. And weirded out.... I mean really? <br />
<br />
I am super sensitive lately I guess and maybe they were just joking around- but I know on my birthday I always think of the woman who gave birth to me- and I also highly doubt this woman was brought home on her birthday- she surely had to spend a day or so in the hospital right- especially 27 years ago- anyhow- the whole thing just made me go- what are they talking about???<br />
<br />
I am just rambling- but it's like when you get a red car- and you notice everyone has red cars- ....<br />
<br />
when i get interested in adoptee issues- it seems like adoption nonsense is all over the place- from my kids cartoons to jokes on facebook.... The other day there was a picture of a baby crying and a older child sitting next to the crying baby....<br />
<br />
Under the caption it says- I just told him he was adopted!!! LOL!!! <br />
<br />
HA HA... NOT FUNNNY!I never got to say goodbyehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04599136318267725546noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6310736786137971467.post-57758288389263420792012-04-24T21:12:00.001-07:002012-04-24T21:33:38.370-07:00There is a woman who has a blog and she is insane and she is pissing me off so bad right now- <br />
<br />
I will write more about this later- but really lady come on. I hope to God she does not get pregnant- she is doing IVF treatments- and she speaks on her blog about many psychiatric hospital stays so hopefully she will not be able to adopt. She also refers to the possible unborn child as " this F#$%^*( baby better be worth it... really come on. SO SO SO SAD! Oh and to top it off- she has over 8000 likes on her facebook page or something like that and it just makes me SICK. Children being abandoned in dumpsters is not funny. She says she loves to rescue animals and wants a rescue baby just the same way.... oh can I even begin to start going into why this line of thinking is SOOOO WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Just had to vent... I would post a link-but I really hate that she gets so many hits in the first place.<br />
<br />
If you want it- message me but she is not funny and she is sick and disturbing.<br />
<br />
To update- I emailed her and said what I thought and how offensive it was what she was posting... she said she helps thousands of women with her blog? She said I really upset her and devastated her. I am having a hard time believing I was the first person to point out how offensive her blog is and that she was so shocked that I did not appreciate it- and felt the need to let her know how troubling it was.<br />
<br />
I truly feel for women who can not get pregnant- I don't know what it is to walk in those shoes- I got pregnant early and unexpected... and I don't pretend that I do. But I do know what it is like to be an adoptee.... and I do know that just because you can not get pregnant surely does not mean you are cut out to raise an adopted child. It's not that simple. I never got to say goodbyehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04599136318267725546noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6310736786137971467.post-11265591810049402472012-04-21T12:17:00.001-07:002012-04-24T21:33:48.341-07:00I talked to him- it went decently well- he basically said he wished I had waited till his boys were well on their way- whatever that means- I mean they are 17 and 19 and the 17 year old is either going to stanford, harvard or yale- I mean really-???<br />
<br />
Anyhow- he said if I want to meet the family fine but he won't be there-and I said that is your choice.<br />
<br />
We talked for about 30 min just catching up and at the end he said I love you. I said it back.<br />
<br />
But really- is this what love is? Is this the way we treat our children? It's not the way I treat mine.<br />
<br />
Anyhow- its over now- I was so nervous about the phone call- and it is done. I told him my intentions- agreed to not contact his sons- I mean- I really don't want to anyway- what would I say? I am happy to meet the rest of the family and happy I am not doing it behind my dads back.I never got to say goodbyehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04599136318267725546noreply@blogger.com3