My oh my Merry Christmas

Sorry I have not posted lately I have been busy falling in love.
And dealing with abandonement issues due to having someone in my life I care about and don't want to leave. He puts his shoes on and I think he is leaving me forever. He knows this about me and is very sensitive to my needs which is great. He will say I am going to put my shoes on and go to car to get something and I will be right back in ok.
Ok. But until he gets back in I think secretly to myself he is leaving.... I have offended him in some way or he just KNOWS that I really am no good and he can do better.
Oh how I wish I could manage to retrain my brain....
It is so much nicer now tho than when I was younger. At least I know now I am like this and can manage my emotions a little better.... or keep things to myself that make me look strange to others.
Kids are off to their dads and I am home alone. Going to Christmas with a lady I clean for and her family so nice of them to invite me.
Today I am procrastinating cleaning my house. It s just tooooo bad and toooo messy toooo big of a task.... WAH WAH WAH. I don't want to be a grown up lol.
My bmom called this morning and we had a good talk. Amom and Adad come the 27th for Christmas here.
I really just can't wait for it to be over

Why oh why do people who know nothing about adoptee's experience think they do?

I am so tired of being made to feel like I should be grateful for being abandoned by my mother. Really..... If my mother died at birth would you tell me you were sorry for my loss?

So I am dating ....

I mentioned that I had a date Friday and Saturday... well I cancelled Saturdays date since Fridays date went so well and spent most of the weekend with Mr. Tall.
I did good at setting healthy boundaries and we had a wonderful time. Went to dinner, went to a winery for my birthday and a hike. It was splendid.
He is now out of town for work and all my fears are colliding inside. I am having to fight my self sabotaging behavior at every turn and am checking my motives and every single word I say for fear of saying something to ruin this. I don't want to ruin this.

I googled this.... Adoptee's in Love and here is a Q&A that popped up.

Do People Who Are Adopted Have Trouble Loving?

Dear Neil: I have been with my boyfriend for two years. We just broke up because he is adopted and he has issues loving someone. I don’t know what to say to him to convince him that I love him and I’m not going anywhere. I could care less that he’s adopted but he can’t get over it. Any advice you can give me?

Unsure of What to Do in Steamboat Springs, Colorado

---

Dear Unsure of What to Do: As someone who grew up adopted, your boyfriend very likely has fears of abandonment, of rejection, of not being good enough and of not feeling worthy of a love relationship. These emotions are not related to you or to your relationship with him, and as a result, there is nothing you can say or do that will take his fears away from him. You can, however, remain patient with him while he works through his issues, if he’s willing to get help and do his work.

Here’s what he can do: First, he can mourn the loss of his birth mother and the bond with her he imagines he would have had, had he not been given up for adoption. He has to do this work regardless of how great his relationship was with his adoptive parents, because we’re talking about losing a more primal inutero bond that is at the core of his feelings that he isn’t worthy of love—or his birth mother would never have parted with him in the first place.

Second, he has to take control of his emotions and his behavior. A good relationship can turn into a nightmare because of out-of-control childish responses to an intimate partner. Nancy Newton Verrier, in the book The Primal Wound (Gateway Press), says when such feelings overwhelm us, we must ask ourselves if our feelings are appropriate to the situation—or out of proportion to what is going on. If we think that our reactions might be too intense for the situation at hand, we have to acknowledge our feelings but respond to the situation—because other people do not have to accept our childish reactions and behaviors.

Third, he has to overcome his fear of what might happen. Adoptees will say: “I can’t allow myself to get close to anyone because I might be rejected,” says Verrier. He must confront and defeat this fear, because it is rooted not in what is happening now, but rather in what potential dangers he might have to face. And one of the risks we have to take if we are to become healthy and whole is the risk of being open and vulnerable to another.

Fourth, adoptees often sabotage anything good that happens to them, because they feel underserving of happiness and success. Your boyfriend overcoming his fears while looking to succeed in a committed relationship will be an important part of his maturation process.

Lastly, he has to overcome his feelings of inner shame by working on and improving his self-acceptance, self-worth and self-esteem. This is not simple work; it will take discipline, willpower and focus to look at what he has, what he offers, how he’s good enough and why he’s worthy of a healthy sustained love relationship.

One final thing. You may love your boyfriend, but if your boyfriend is unwilling to love you, and unwilling to do his own psychotherapy, then he isn’t good for you. Find someone who can and will love you back.

Well It's good to know my abnormal behavior while being close to someone is NORMAL for adoptees... and also good to know it's going to take intensive psychotherapy to notice change.

thanks for that.

National Adoption Awareness Month

It's National Adoption Awareness Month?

We are aware. Are you?

We've all seen the advertisements/public service announcements for National Adoption Month. Are you aware that this was originally conceived to promote foster care adoption of older children? Are you aware that it's promotion is now heavily funded by agencies facilitating the adoption of infants under one year of age? (average cost to the adoptive parents exceeding $30,000)

Something these ad sponsors won't tell you is that in all but six states, the adopted person's original birth certificate will be sealed from their inspection FOREVER. They won't tell you the rules prescribing this sealing are relatively recent inventions designed to shield the adoptive family from scrutiny. They won't tell you that the relinquishing mother has no legal right to anonymity and well over 90% don't want it anyway, instead saying that the sealing is to protect the mother's privacy. They won't remind you that making a MINOR party to a legal contract sealing their birth certificate forever, without informed consent and without legal representation, violates contract law in fifty states, yet is allowed in this sole instance. And they won't tell you that the US adoption industry spends millions of dollars each year on lobbyists to fight efforts to grant adult adoptees the same right to their birth certificate that all other citizens enjoy. Were you aware of those facts?

We believe that supporting any industry at the expense of a US citizen's right to a copy of the only true record of their birth is offensive. Unless you live in one of the six states which allow it, your lawmakers have voted down efforts to allow adult adoptees in your state a copy of their original birth certificate. Please give them a call or a note telling them that this issue means something to you. Treating adopted adults differently because of something they didn't choose just isn't fair, especially when no one wants it but the profiteers.

Make your legislators aware of what this month is really about. Let's not celebrate, let's educate.

Follow this link for your representative's email, address and/or phone number.

Posted by Adoptee Denied at 10:01 PM

Birthdays

I sent my nmom a birthday card asking her to call me as I had lost her number and she called tonight!!! I was on a date so we talked briefly but she is doing good and was very nice. I promised to call her tomorrow.
Whew. What a relief.

Pictures

This is my daughter and I.

Picture of Nmom and I.

This is Sandy my nmom and I this summer at her visit. I have recently gained some weight and we look more like each other now. What do you think?

I have always been infatuated with families and how they look alike. Sandy was the first person that looked like me... or rather me like her.

this is a less than flattering photo but its all we took. I think next time we will need to do a photo shoot.

What are your feelings about families and their likeness if you are an adoptee?
Are you in reunion ? Do you resemble your natural family? How did you react to the resemblance?

If you are a adoptive mom are you comfortable with your children not looking like you and looking like their nfamilies? Was this a hard place to get to ?

My amom refuses to admit that Sandy and I have similarities. Tho with my ndad they could not get over it that we resembled each other.... I look like both of them. I wonder if their accepting my ndad has anything to do with his "doing ok in life" and sandy not doing as well.

I fit in with my family enough that it was not immediately apparent I am adopted... tho if you have a simple conversation with my mom and than myself you will know it lol. I am only kidding but we are very different people.