Last visit

OK. I am ready to recap our last visit.
Birthmom arrived after a crazy trip of changing trains and buses. I had gotten her a train ticket so that she would be more comfortable then on a bus... long story short she ended up on a bus anyhow. BUT she got here. YAY.
We unpacked her and got settled and went to visit some of my friends.
She had brought gifts, necklaces she made, and trinkets from her home.
I thanked her and gave her the two purses I had collected for her.
Things went great. The first night we both slept on my couch. My birthmom is 5'11. LOL. I slept sitting up on end of couch. I really wanted to be near her and we continued to sleep this way during visit. I did not want to leave her side.
She was tired during most of visit. She actually did not get out of her house dress till the day before she left. WE did alot of sitting around. I cooked. She sat and ate. WE we just together.
I worked one day and then went to therapy. I came home and found her very upset and angry.
BACK UP
4 years ago after initial visit and fall out with birthmom ( we will call her S. I can't keep typing birthmom) I contacted and visited her step mother. Who gave me a box of her belongings and some childhood pictures.
Here is the story of how my birth mom became to be.
Step mom and dad were married had 3 kids.
Dad left step mom and married a lady named Chris who could not have children. They adopted S.
Chris DIED. Dad took S back to live with Step mom and went on to have more children with step mom. They NEVER told S. She to this day does not know....
She found out at age 19 she was not step mothers natural child... from finally getting a hold of her birth certificate.... but as we know it was the adopted birth cert and had Chris's name on it.
At this time she was told Chris had died.
What I was given at the meeting of the step mother was all of the information regarding her adoption. and pictures. I packaged up these things and sent them to a friends since I had NEVER told S. I thought and knew she would be mad for me going to see step mom.
So.... are you following? It's confusing.
She found two pictures.
found out I went to see step mom
found out her dad is dead.
I told her about the adoption- she did not believe me and I left it at that.

She was very angry and was very mean to me for two days.
WHO could blame her. I went behind her back and did not tell her for 4 years.
But alas we made up. I apologized. She thought I had " balls" to go do it anyhow....
and it's done.
She left 2 days early but all in all a good visit.
That's all I can do for now... not very deep I know... not profound but its the facts of my journey to this woman who is my mother.

Here it goes...

I am just going to jump in and start blogging again. I will give you a brief recap.
My bmom and I have had 3 visits.
The 2nd visit happened in my hometown and my parents met my bmom. My bmom thinks it went great my a mom does not... Who knows what was said but the two of them and i think mainly there was a miscommunication... . The last visit was 2 summers ago in 2009. It went well. We had a brief fight but enjoyed each other's company. She helped me with my house while I was at work. We went to eat and visited together many days just sitting around talking and enjoying each others presence.
This past Christmas my birth mom sent a Christmas Card to my parents and they sent one back. PROGRESS! At this point my a mom will ask how she is doing and is aware that we have a relationship. I must say here that my feelings of guilt over having a relationship with my birthmom due to my a mom being uncomfortable are gone. I have decided it was wasted energy and It was OK to love both of my mothers.
She is coming to visit on August 5th. It is quite exciting! We are now in a new house and I think she will really like it. I am hopeful for this visit since I am on my feet now and excited to show her a good time.
I am a little rusty at writing but I can assure you I will keep it up as I need to write about this.
Being a single mom I all to often do not do things for MYSELF. And this is for me And for you.
Hope this post finds you well.

Emilie

Hello... it's been years but i got a computer and would like to start blogging again. i have made much progress.... lots to talk about. will contribute more later.

I wanted to drop a word here before I went to work... it has been a long time since I wrote here- but I have decided that once I got a computer I would resume blogging and guess what!!!! I GOT A COMPUTER!
After 2 years of going internet/computer free- I have arrived back in the technology age. By the way- for those of you interested you can live without a computer- even if you are very very used to having one. And you can even live without cable. ( GASP). You would not believe the number of people who have said to me- YOU don't have a computer- You have to have a computer these days! Um..... no you don't. Some people do not have cars, or homes, or food. A computer I can live without. WIth that said- I am glad I will not be living without it any longer!!!! Thank you Mallory! A sweet girl who gave me a great deal on her old no longer used desktop. Woo hoo.
Alright- it is now 35 degrees out and I have to go to work- at a garden center- ya know- outside... brrrr.
Look forward to babbling some more... I promise to talk about my adoption stuff- as I have alot going on with it... I have met and have contact with an uncle on my dads side- seen my mom another time( where we had a decent time) and am seriously considering finding my lost brother.
Till then
Em

SO I am not going to be blogging about adoption right now cause I just can't. I am in the middle of what is about to become a nasty divorce and I just can't go there right now.

My kids leave to be with their dad Friday for 9 days and he has not yet found them a babysitter.
I am livid.
I have stayed at my parents house the last 2 nights cause I just can't bear to be alone.... the weight of raising the kids has me bent over in agony some times.... how can I do this?
I love my babies very much. It just hurts sometimes.....

Tonight we drove around and looked at Christmas lights. As we were leaving our apartment building( in a " nice subdivision") I noticed the fence that seperates our " nice subdivision" from the housing projects across an open field. Someone had decorated it with Christmas lights. Drawing my attention to it more.
It is a black metal fence standing 7 feet tall..... whether keeping " them" out or "us" in- I don't know..... but seperating us jus the same.

I wonder how the kids on the other side of the fence feel about the fence? I wonder what my children and others see that fence as? A barrier between " good " and "evil"
the " bad" poor people and the " good " middle class ones? It reminded me of the division of who I am... and where I come from.... a girl who should have grown up on the other side of the fence- yet here I am on the side.... never feeling that I belong.... like an imposter.
I want to rip the lights down- because whoever put them up most likely never thought about how the people on the " other side of the fence" even felt about that fence.

And it makes me mad that it is even there.... lights and all.

Unite.
Emilie

Birthmom

My birthmom Sandy called me a few weeks ago. two nights after I spent hours on the phone trying to reach her even going as far as calling the police.
She is doing much better though has moved and doesn't have a phone.
She has been hospitalized for a back problem.
She also sent me two letters and a card and a picture.
Just thought I should comment we are reopening communication.

catching up and my bdad visit

Hi all interested parties- I am wanting to post once a week at this point on various adoption related issues and my life.

I am going to start by catching you up on the last few months of my life.
After leaving my husband on May 1 my kids and I stayed with my adoptive parents for 3 weeks when my brother( their bio child) was to come home after graduating college and they for lack of a better term- asked us to leave( you know- kicked us out) since my brother and I do not get along..... at all. this happened on a saturday them full well knowing that I got to move into the Domestic Violence transitional housing shelter on Tuesday....
I thought they should ask him to find another place to stay for a few days since he is one person and I have 2 kids and not as many friends- but alas....
then they had a graduation party for him that we were not invited too until people started asking where we were. lol.
anyhow.... the kids dad stbx was up for the weekend and we were forced to stay in the hotel with him as we had nowhere else to go. This arrangement suited my folks.
so we got into our apartment on tuesday and stayed there until the end of August when I rented our first apt.
Our divorce is in the works and hopefully will be completed in a few months.

In July I got a job at a chiropractic clinic I worked at in High School and we started off on our new life of daycare and working long hours training for the positions I was to fill.

I also waitress a few nights a week..... so unimportant right now though....

I am going to share with you the visit with my biological dad.

We were meeting in a hotel in Chicago.... I brought my 2 children and two teen babysitters along to help with the kids. We drove into Chicago early in the morning and by the time we were two turns away I did not want to go. I collected myself enough and we parked.... and then I saw him in the door. He walked up to us and we hugged- no tears or anything but just looking at each other and stuff. We went into the hotel together and visited for a bit. We then checked into our rooms and the kids went swimming while he showed me albums of his family( he has 9 brothers and sisters- his twin sister who is deceased and my dd look very very similar. There were no outstanding similarites I felt between any other of his siblings to me but one. But in pictures it is hard to tell. We talked a bit but it was awkward.... I just wanted to look at him and see me in him.
Then we prepared for lunch with my parents. I asked them to join us for lunch and it went well. We took the kids( against my request) and ate at a nice italian meal. It was so funny watching my dad and my dad talk. It was obvious to me how much more like my bdad I am than my adad but I was pulling for both of them ya know. I think it was importnat for my parents and for my bdad to meet each other My parents could not get over how much we looked alike( they have never met my bmom!)
They are more open about my being adopted now and my son openly says he has 3 grandpas and includes his biological grandpa John.

Then we went back to the hotel and hung out. I think I took a nap cause I was just so overwhelmed and the kids and babysitters went to the store.
We went out to dinner and then at night he showed me slides from Africa when he was in the peace core.
My biggest finding from being with my dad was that....If he would have been my dad he would have liked me.... unlike my adad who just doesn't. I know you may say- what your dad not like you? Hmmmm...
My mom is a very submissive woman. My dad is not attracted to strong intelligent women- he is intimidated by them and talks badly about them.
When I asked my bdad what my bmom was like he described me. that is what he found attractice- important- etc.

Anyhow- that is all I can do for now. I have put so much of my adoption stuff on a shelf or integrated it and it is very useful..... to me to know- but anyhow- it is hard to go into for me due to the other stuff going on in my life.
I hope you can appreciate my attempts to write about these things right now as I am doing it very much for you the reader and not so much myself as before since it is not exactly where I am right now- but I do feel I have worthwhile things to say.
Maybe ask me a few questions and I can answer them to get into it.... feel free.
Much peace to you all