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Tuesday, November 27, 2007

SO I am not going to be blogging about adoption right now cause I just can't. I am in the middle of what is about to become a nasty divorce and I just can't go there right now.

My kids leave to be with their dad Friday for 9 days and he has not yet found them a babysitter.
I am livid.
I have stayed at my parents house the last 2 nights cause I just can't bear to be alone.... the weight of raising the kids has me bent over in agony some times.... how can I do this?
I love my babies very much. It just hurts sometimes.....

Tonight we drove around and looked at Christmas lights. As we were leaving our apartment building( in a " nice subdivision") I noticed the fence that seperates our " nice subdivision" from the housing projects across an open field. Someone had decorated it with Christmas lights. Drawing my attention to it more.
It is a black metal fence standing 7 feet tall..... whether keeping " them" out or "us" in- I don't know..... but seperating us jus the same.

I wonder how the kids on the other side of the fence feel about the fence? I wonder what my children and others see that fence as? A barrier between " good " and "evil"
the " bad" poor people and the " good " middle class ones? It reminded me of the division of who I am... and where I come from.... a girl who should have grown up on the other side of the fence- yet here I am on the side.... never feeling that I belong.... like an imposter.
I want to rip the lights down- because whoever put them up most likely never thought about how the people on the " other side of the fence" even felt about that fence.

And it makes me mad that it is even there.... lights and all.

Unite.
Emilie