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Saturday, December 24, 2011

My oh my Merry Christmas

Sorry I have not posted lately I have been busy falling in love.
And dealing with abandonement issues due to having someone in my life I care about and don't want to leave. He puts his shoes on and I think he is leaving me forever. He knows this about me and is very sensitive to my needs which is great. He will say I am going to put my shoes on and go to car to get something and I will be right back in ok.
Ok. But until he gets back in I think secretly to myself he is leaving.... I have offended him in some way or he just KNOWS that I really am no good and he can do better.
Oh how I wish I could manage to retrain my brain....
It is so much nicer now tho than when I was younger. At least I know now I am like this and can manage my emotions a little better.... or keep things to myself that make me look strange to others.
Kids are off to their dads and I am home alone. Going to Christmas with a lady I clean for and her family so nice of them to invite me.
Today I am procrastinating cleaning my house. It s just tooooo bad and toooo messy toooo big of a task.... WAH WAH WAH. I don't want to be a grown up lol.
My bmom called this morning and we had a good talk. Amom and Adad come the 27th for Christmas here.
I really just can't wait for it to be over

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Why oh why do people who know nothing about adoptee's experience think they do?

I am so tired of being made to feel like I should be grateful for being abandoned by my mother. Really..... If my mother died at birth would you tell me you were sorry for my loss?

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

So I am dating ....

I mentioned that I had a date Friday and Saturday... well I cancelled Saturdays date since Fridays date went so well and spent most of the weekend with Mr. Tall.
I did good at setting healthy boundaries and we had a wonderful time. Went to dinner, went to a winery for my birthday and a hike. It was splendid.
He is now out of town for work and all my fears are colliding inside. I am having to fight my self sabotaging behavior at every turn and am checking my motives and every single word I say for fear of saying something to ruin this. I don't want to ruin this.

I googled this.... Adoptee's in Love and here is a Q&A that popped up.

Do People Who Are Adopted Have Trouble Loving?

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Dear Neil: I have been with my boyfriend for two years. We just broke up because he is adopted and he has issues loving someone. I don’t know what to say to him to convince him that I love him and I’m not going anywhere. I could care less that he’s adopted but he can’t get over it. Any advice you can give me?

Unsure of What to Do in Steamboat Springs, Colorado

Dear Unsure of What to Do: As someone who grew up adopted, your boyfriend very likely has fears of abandonment, of rejection, of not being good enough and of not feeling worthy of a love relationship. These emotions are not related to you or to your relationship with him, and as a result, there is nothing you can say or do that will take his fears away from him. You can, however, remain patient with him while he works through his issues, if he’s willing to get help and do his work.

Here’s what he can do: First, he can mourn the loss of his birth mother and the bond with her he imagines he would have had, had he not been given up for adoption. He has to do this work regardless of how great his relationship was with his adoptive parents, because we’re talking about losing a more primal inutero bond that is at the core of his feelings that he isn’t worthy of love—or his birth mother would never have parted with him in the first place.

Second, he has to take control of his emotions and his behavior. A good relationship can turn into a nightmare because of out-of-control childish responses to an intimate partner. Nancy Newton Verrier, in the book The Primal Wound (Gateway Press), says when such feelings overwhelm us, we must ask ourselves if our feelings are appropriate to the situation—or out of proportion to what is going on. If we think that our reactions might be too intense for the situation at hand, we have to acknowledge our feelings but respond to the situation—because other people do not have to accept our childish reactions and behaviors.

Third, he has to overcome his fear of what might happen. Adoptees will say: “I can’t allow myself to get close to anyone because I might be rejected,” says Verrier. He must confront and defeat this fear, because it is rooted not in what is happening now, but rather in what potential dangers he might have to face. And one of the risks we have to take if we are to become healthy and whole is the risk of being open and vulnerable to another.

Fourth, adoptees often sabotage anything good that happens to them, because they feel underserving of happiness and success. Your boyfriend overcoming his fears while looking to succeed in a committed relationship will be an important part of his maturation process.

Lastly, he has to overcome his feelings of inner shame by working on and improving his self-acceptance, self-worth and self-esteem. This is not simple work; it will take discipline, willpower and focus to look at what he has, what he offers, how he’s good enough and why he’s worthy of a healthy sustained love relationship.

One final thing. You may love your boyfriend, but if your boyfriend is unwilling to love you, and unwilling to do his own psychotherapy, then he isn’t good for you. Find someone who can and will love you back.

Well It's good to know my abnormal behavior while being close to someone is NORMAL for adoptees... and also good to know it's going to take intensive psychotherapy to notice change.

thanks for that.

National Adoption Awareness Month

It's National Adoption Awareness Month?

We are aware. Are you?

We've all seen the advertisements/public service announcements for National Adoption Month. Are you aware that this was originally conceived to promote foster care adoption of older children? Are you aware that it's promotion is now heavily funded by agencies facilitating the adoption of infants under one year of age? (average cost to the adoptive parents exceeding $30,000)

Something these ad sponsors won't tell you is that in all but six states, the adopted person's original birth certificate will be sealed from their inspection FOREVER. They won't tell you the rules prescribing this sealing are relatively recent inventions designed to shield the adoptive family from scrutiny. They won't tell you that the relinquishing mother has no legal right to anonymity and well over 90% don't want it anyway, instead saying that the sealing is to protect the mother's privacy. They won't remind you that making a MINOR party to a legal contract sealing their birth certificate forever, without informed consent and without legal representation, violates contract law in fifty states, yet is allowed in this sole instance. And they won't tell you that the US adoption industry spends millions of dollars each year on lobbyists to fight efforts to grant adult adoptees the same right to their birth certificate that all other citizens enjoy. Were you aware of those facts?

We believe that supporting any industry at the expense of a US citizen's right to a copy of the only true record of their birth is offensive. Unless you live in one of the six states which allow it, your lawmakers have voted down efforts to allow adult adoptees in your state a copy of their original birth certificate. Please give them a call or a note telling them that this issue means something to you. Treating adopted adults differently because of something they didn't choose just isn't fair, especially when no one wants it but the profiteers.

Make your legislators aware of what this month is really about. Let's not celebrate, let's educate.

Saturday, October 29, 2011


I sent my nmom a birthday card asking her to call me as I had lost her number and she called tonight!!! I was on a date so we talked briefly but she is doing good and was very nice. I promised to call her tomorrow.
Whew. What a relief.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011


This is my daughter and I.

Picture of Nmom and I.

This is Sandy my nmom and I this summer at her visit. I have recently gained some weight and we look more like each other now. What do you think?

I have always been infatuated with families and how they look alike. Sandy was the first person that looked like me... or rather me like her.

this is a less than flattering photo but its all we took. I think next time we will need to do a photo shoot.

What are your feelings about families and their likeness if you are an adoptee?
Are you in reunion ? Do you resemble your natural family? How did you react to the resemblance?

If you are a adoptive mom are you comfortable with your children not looking like you and looking like their nfamilies? Was this a hard place to get to ?

My amom refuses to admit that Sandy and I have similarities. Tho with my ndad they could not get over it that we resembled each other.... I look like both of them. I wonder if their accepting my ndad has anything to do with his "doing ok in life" and sandy not doing as well.

I fit in with my family enough that it was not immediately apparent I am adopted... tho if you have a simple conversation with my mom and than myself you will know it lol. I am only kidding but we are very different people.

nmom's birthday

Tomorrow is my nmom's birthday... I have not talked to her since she left in August, I know I am hurting her and I dont know why I can't just send her a letter.
I will today.
I was so upset with how she put me down at our visit. So betrayed... here I invited her into my life and she used her words to cut me with a knife. I took it better this time... it s just her pain around me not having a perfect life and being not perfect.... she holds people to a high standard I suppose.
She will be 53 today.... I will be 31 on the 30th. 22 years apart. Funny I had my son at 22. Inertia.

On a personal note- I have two dates this weekend. I don't know how ready for a relationship I am. I have tried fighting the need to be rescued.... and don't want to date till I am whole but that will never happen. So I am testing the waters so to speak. I don't want to be alone forever....
Being close to people is like rubbing sand paper on a sunburn to me.... But Sunburns heal and I am healing to.

Monday, October 24, 2011


I struggle to be a fun mom. I am all business, or all distracted, or all tired, or all together not doing what I should too much of the time!!!
This blog is a GREAT read and I stumbled upon it again .... YAY. I had read it when the kids were littler... I have to remember they are still so little.
But growing up so fast!

This is just pure inspiration and I LOVE LOVE LOVE THE harry potter wands shown here,.

This mom is amazing.... and she inspires others which makes her ultra amazing. I don't know about you but I could use some inspiration these days.

Alaina stayed with her dad last night as Keagan is very ill. We slept on the couch together and I awoke this morning very aware that he is like sleeping with a heating pad right now. I know that a fever is his body fighting off an infection and I hope he gets well soon. I hate it when my babies are sick and luckily they are healthy little people so we don't have to go thru illness too often.

I am trying to decide if I am going to leave him with a friend to go to work or if I will call and reschedule for tomorrow. One reason I like working for myself is that I get to be there when I am needed so reschedule I think it is since he is still running a fever.

Funny story.
Last night after we got home from the er Keagan took a nap.... it was not long and woke up about an hour later. I made him some canned soup and a popsicle. After about an hour of being back awake he said why is it so dark out this morning!!!???? He had thought the whole time he had slept thru the night and it was a dark morning out. He was so confused. Cute little guy.

I think I am going to lay back down since my eyes are getting heavy and I have been up again since 4:00 am.

On the adoption front my bmom's birthday is coming up and I am going to send her a card and apology for being so neglectful to communicating with her after our visit I just needed a break from her. She said some really mean and hurtful things which I think is just part of her defenses.... I know seeing me as a less than perfect person is hard for her. She holds people in general to a high standard.
Till then.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

ER visit

We just got back from the ER.... Keagan has some sort of virus is all they could figure out. He is complaining of legs, arms, hands and feet hurting along with his head. I was concerned it could be meningitis, because he said his vision was blurry, his neck hurt ... but The tests ruled it out.
He was a TROOPER! They had to take quite a bit of blood and they gave him an iv.
I generally do not jump to the dr at first sign of illness but this one freaked me out.
Glad it is nothing serious and I just overreacted to the situation!!
The nurses and Dr. were great. Very compassionate and helpful.

Well that did not last... lol

I forgot about blogging every day... my brain does not function correctly.... but I will pick up again even tho I missed a few.
We had a great fall saturday... We went to the pumpkin patch and ran into a friend of my son's so we took him home with us. We then visited another friend at her home and then went to a awesome halloween party.
I am feeling sort of icky about the day tho as I feel I was not present in the moment but going thru the motions and not really having the fun I should have with my kids.
I need to laugh more, love more, listen more instead of being so uptight.
My son ended up getting sick at the party and we went home in a rush... I hope I was not rude to my hosts I just did not want to have him get sick all over their house.
Today is a new day.... we are going to start over and I am going to make a real effort to smile.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Adoptee friends, birthmom friends

I spoke yesterday by phone with an old internet adoptee friend. Once I got back on line I sent her a you remember me note?..... and she did!!! We exchanged numbers and yesterday was the first time we talked. I am hoping to build a great friendship with her. She is a mom to , to a 2 year old and a 5 year old.
She talked to me about feeling paralyzed. I liked how she used that term. I have always said it's just like I can't do anything. I mean anything.... sometimes doing the dishes is to big a task. I don't know if it is depression or anxiety or a mixture of the two or maybe it's just the lovely life of an adoptee?
We talked about how we are both finding difficulties in raising our kids and that the feelings overwhelm us at times. Our kids want to be close to us but it at times is so hard to even be close to them.
While it saddened me that she has these issues to, it was nice to know I was not alone with these secrets. It's like trying to get water out of an empty well.

I also in the past few months have made a great friend who is also a birthmother. We met by fluke at a yard sale and ended up having friends in common. When talking about our kids she said she has four boys that she is raising and one girl that she gave up for adoption. I about fell over. What makes it even more special is that her daughter and I share a name.
She told me the story of hiding her pregnancy from her family ... she said she was showing but that no one paid attention to her anyhow. She already was a teen mom with one child and did not think she could handle another on her own. She went into labor went to the hospital and called the social worker. She got to pick the family and meet them and be there at relinquishment.

Some serious medical issues came up in her life and she needed to let the family know as it was hereditary. She contacted them and they arranged for her to spend time with the daughter. Sadly once the amom saw how well the two of them and her sons got along they cut off all contact. My friend is respecting their wishes and grateful for the day she did have and has pictures of the reunion up all over her house.

Last night while at my house she asked, can i be close to Laney? Maybe it will help fill my void? Laney is my 5 year old daughter. This is a topic she has brought up before. I have always told her yes that of course my kids need all the love in the world and you surely can love her all you want to.
I did not want to tell her that no amount of closeness to any other child would replace her daughter or heal her pain.
I feel like God put us together for a reason. And I am thankful to have her in my life. It softened my heart.
I am careful what I say to her about adoption... as I don't want to freak her out or upset her. But I have told her that I believe her daughter will seek her out again and told her my story of how my amom got very upset after reunion and it took me six years to let her be upset while I sought after the reunion I wanted and needed. I pray this teen girl is okay and that her life is good and that she knows her mom loves her and wants her in her life.
I worry for her as I know the pain I went thru and go thru in regards to my adoption.... I can only imagine what it was like at 16 to meet your birthmom and then have your adoptive mom take it away.
That's what I am thinking about today. My friend and her pain and her daughter.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

So I am going to try blogging once a day for thirty days and see if I can get in the groove again.
My writing is awful so forgive me but I am going to try writing from the heart.
It is rainy here today and I have so much to do but seems I am not getting off this darn computer .... again.... We went computer free for 4 years and I am already sucked back into the world of the web.... Stuck like a fly.

I was reading a blog from a woman who calls herself a Adoption professional.... her job is convincing women they can not raise there own babies and to give them up for adoption. It saddened me. While I don't think there is no place for adoption I do think we need to SUPPORT mothers to keep their own children and not bully them into placing them into other families.

My own mother was alone and afraid with no support. Her world was bleak. If someone had reached out and helped her who knows what would have been?

Or if she had reached out herself?

I was the same age as my mother when I got pregnant with my first child. I was not married tho did have a boyfriend I ended up marrying. My adoptive parents said it was the thing to do and we fell in line. We are now since divorced and I am raising our two kids alone for the most part. Adoptive family is supportive but lives 6 hours away.

When I first left my ex with my two little ones in tow we went directly to my aparents house. They had us call a shelter and get things started on moving into a transitional housing shelter apartment... I have blogged about this before. It still hurts. That was 4 years ago.
It hurts.
But their son was moving home and his college roommate oh what to do with Emilie and her two kids.

I am going to tell you a story.

When my son was 3 and my daughter 1 I went home for Thanksgiving. My son was sitting at the kitchen table. My abrother came into the house and went into the fridge to get something to eat. HE threw the lid to his food on the ground and told my amother to pick it up bitch like you pick up after everyone else. He then proceeded to empty the entire contents of a trash bag onto the kitchen floor and again told her to pick it up bitch. HE then went downstairs to the basement.
I looked at my mom and said Don't ever tell me he has changed again.

Shortly after this my mom came to me so excited! She said to me- He was JUST MAD BECAUSE Keagan( my son) was sitting in HIS CHAIR!!! Well of course. Who would not react that way due to a 3 year old sitting in "their" chair at the table!!!

What mother would not excuse this behavior as understandable and appropriate!!!
All is forgiven. We were just in his way.

Monday, October 17, 2011

I am becoming more active on an adoptee board again and again reading blogs from all parts of the triad. As I travel on this journey to self I always come back to my adoption.... where it lies in me and out of me and how it has effected my perception of .... everything.

I am going to tell you a story that happened two years ago.
My amom was visiting us. She was talking about my abrothers then girlfriend now wife who has two kids from a previous marriage. She said Dad said what if B and K ( brother and girlfriend) get married and don't have kids of their own and we never get to have any real grandchildren?

I read recently an excerpt of an article on appropriate adoption language.... it said to say that a child WAS adopted not IS adopted. I AM ADOPTED..... Every day of my life.... and by extension my kids are somehow to.

My aparents love my kids. They really do.... but now that they have a real grandchild .... yes B AND K HAD A BABY.... ( my fake nephew according to this real b.s. line of thinking) the differences in treatment are there.... again.... reopening old wounds, not just hurting me but GOING to hurt my babies. Who get to be fake just like me.

Pinch me. Pinch me. Pinch me.

Friday, September 30, 2011

Last visit

OK. I am ready to recap our last visit.
Birthmom arrived after a crazy trip of changing trains and buses. I had gotten her a train ticket so that she would be more comfortable then on a bus... long story short she ended up on a bus anyhow. BUT she got here. YAY.
We unpacked her and got settled and went to visit some of my friends.
She had brought gifts, necklaces she made, and trinkets from her home.
I thanked her and gave her the two purses I had collected for her.
Things went great. The first night we both slept on my couch. My birthmom is 5'11. LOL. I slept sitting up on end of couch. I really wanted to be near her and we continued to sleep this way during visit. I did not want to leave her side.
She was tired during most of visit. She actually did not get out of her house dress till the day before she left. WE did alot of sitting around. I cooked. She sat and ate. WE we just together.
I worked one day and then went to therapy. I came home and found her very upset and angry.
4 years ago after initial visit and fall out with birthmom ( we will call her S. I can't keep typing birthmom) I contacted and visited her step mother. Who gave me a box of her belongings and some childhood pictures.
Here is the story of how my birth mom became to be.
Step mom and dad were married had 3 kids.
Dad left step mom and married a lady named Chris who could not have children. They adopted S.
Chris DIED. Dad took S back to live with Step mom and went on to have more children with step mom. They NEVER told S. She to this day does not know....
She found out at age 19 she was not step mothers natural child... from finally getting a hold of her birth certificate.... but as we know it was the adopted birth cert and had Chris's name on it.
At this time she was told Chris had died.
What I was given at the meeting of the step mother was all of the information regarding her adoption. and pictures. I packaged up these things and sent them to a friends since I had NEVER told S. I thought and knew she would be mad for me going to see step mom.
So.... are you following? It's confusing.
She found two pictures.
found out I went to see step mom
found out her dad is dead.
I told her about the adoption- she did not believe me and I left it at that.

She was very angry and was very mean to me for two days.
WHO could blame her. I went behind her back and did not tell her for 4 years.
But alas we made up. I apologized. She thought I had " balls" to go do it anyhow....
and it's done.
She left 2 days early but all in all a good visit.
That's all I can do for now... not very deep I know... not profound but its the facts of my journey to this woman who is my mother.

Monday, July 25, 2011

Here it goes...

I am just going to jump in and start blogging again. I will give you a brief recap.
My bmom and I have had 3 visits.
The 2nd visit happened in my hometown and my parents met my bmom. My bmom thinks it went great my a mom does not... Who knows what was said but the two of them and i think mainly there was a miscommunication... . The last visit was 2 summers ago in 2009. It went well. We had a brief fight but enjoyed each other's company. She helped me with my house while I was at work. We went to eat and visited together many days just sitting around talking and enjoying each others presence.
This past Christmas my birth mom sent a Christmas Card to my parents and they sent one back. PROGRESS! At this point my a mom will ask how she is doing and is aware that we have a relationship. I must say here that my feelings of guilt over having a relationship with my birthmom due to my a mom being uncomfortable are gone. I have decided it was wasted energy and It was OK to love both of my mothers.
She is coming to visit on August 5th. It is quite exciting! We are now in a new house and I think she will really like it. I am hopeful for this visit since I am on my feet now and excited to show her a good time.
I am a little rusty at writing but I can assure you I will keep it up as I need to write about this.
Being a single mom I all to often do not do things for MYSELF. And this is for me And for you.
Hope this post finds you well.

Sunday, June 26, 2011


Hello... it's been years but i got a computer and would like to start blogging again. i have made much progress.... lots to talk about. will contribute more later.