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Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Adoptee friends, birthmom friends

I spoke yesterday by phone with an old internet adoptee friend. Once I got back on line I sent her a ...do you remember me note?..... and she did!!! We exchanged numbers and yesterday was the first time we talked. I am hoping to build a great friendship with her. She is a mom to , to a 2 year old and a 5 year old.
She talked to me about feeling paralyzed. I liked how she used that term. I have always said it's just like I can't do anything. I mean anything.... sometimes doing the dishes is to big a task. I don't know if it is depression or anxiety or a mixture of the two or maybe it's just the lovely life of an adoptee?
We talked about how we are both finding difficulties in raising our kids and that the feelings overwhelm us at times. Our kids want to be close to us but it at times is so hard to even be close to them.
While it saddened me that she has these issues to, it was nice to know I was not alone with these secrets. It's like trying to get water out of an empty well.

I also in the past few months have made a great friend who is also a birthmother. We met by fluke at a yard sale and ended up having friends in common. When talking about our kids she said she has four boys that she is raising and one girl that she gave up for adoption. I about fell over. What makes it even more special is that her daughter and I share a name.
She told me the story of hiding her pregnancy from her family ... she said she was showing but that no one paid attention to her anyhow. She already was a teen mom with one child and did not think she could handle another on her own. She went into labor went to the hospital and called the social worker. She got to pick the family and meet them and be there at relinquishment.

Some serious medical issues came up in her life and she needed to let the family know as it was hereditary. She contacted them and they arranged for her to spend time with the daughter. Sadly once the amom saw how well the two of them and her sons got along they cut off all contact. My friend is respecting their wishes and grateful for the day she did have and has pictures of the reunion up all over her house.

Last night while at my house she asked, can i be close to Laney? Maybe it will help fill my void? Laney is my 5 year old daughter. This is a topic she has brought up before. I have always told her yes that of course my kids need all the love in the world and you surely can love her all you want to.
I did not want to tell her that no amount of closeness to any other child would replace her daughter or heal her pain.
I feel like God put us together for a reason. And I am thankful to have her in my life. It softened my heart.
I am careful what I say to her about adoption... as I don't want to freak her out or upset her. But I have told her that I believe her daughter will seek her out again and told her my story of how my amom got very upset after reunion and it took me six years to let her be upset while I sought after the reunion I wanted and needed. I pray this teen girl is okay and that her life is good and that she knows her mom loves her and wants her in her life.
I worry for her as I know the pain I went thru and go thru in regards to my adoption.... I can only imagine what it was like at 16 to meet your birthmom and then have your adoptive mom take it away.
That's what I am thinking about today. My friend and her pain and her daughter.

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