Follow by Email

Saturday, October 29, 2011


I sent my nmom a birthday card asking her to call me as I had lost her number and she called tonight!!! I was on a date so we talked briefly but she is doing good and was very nice. I promised to call her tomorrow.
Whew. What a relief.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011


This is my daughter and I.

Picture of Nmom and I.

This is Sandy my nmom and I this summer at her visit. I have recently gained some weight and we look more like each other now. What do you think?

I have always been infatuated with families and how they look alike. Sandy was the first person that looked like me... or rather me like her.

this is a less than flattering photo but its all we took. I think next time we will need to do a photo shoot.

What are your feelings about families and their likeness if you are an adoptee?
Are you in reunion ? Do you resemble your natural family? How did you react to the resemblance?

If you are a adoptive mom are you comfortable with your children not looking like you and looking like their nfamilies? Was this a hard place to get to ?

My amom refuses to admit that Sandy and I have similarities. Tho with my ndad they could not get over it that we resembled each other.... I look like both of them. I wonder if their accepting my ndad has anything to do with his "doing ok in life" and sandy not doing as well.

I fit in with my family enough that it was not immediately apparent I am adopted... tho if you have a simple conversation with my mom and than myself you will know it lol. I am only kidding but we are very different people.

nmom's birthday

Tomorrow is my nmom's birthday... I have not talked to her since she left in August, I know I am hurting her and I dont know why I can't just send her a letter.
I will today.
I was so upset with how she put me down at our visit. So betrayed... here I invited her into my life and she used her words to cut me with a knife. I took it better this time... it s just her pain around me not having a perfect life and being not perfect.... she holds people to a high standard I suppose.
She will be 53 today.... I will be 31 on the 30th. 22 years apart. Funny I had my son at 22. Inertia.

On a personal note- I have two dates this weekend. I don't know how ready for a relationship I am. I have tried fighting the need to be rescued.... and don't want to date till I am whole but that will never happen. So I am testing the waters so to speak. I don't want to be alone forever....
Being close to people is like rubbing sand paper on a sunburn to me.... But Sunburns heal and I am healing to.

Monday, October 24, 2011


I struggle to be a fun mom. I am all business, or all distracted, or all tired, or all together not doing what I should too much of the time!!!
This blog is a GREAT read and I stumbled upon it again .... YAY. I had read it when the kids were littler... I have to remember they are still so little.
But growing up so fast!

This is just pure inspiration and I LOVE LOVE LOVE THE harry potter wands shown here,.

This mom is amazing.... and she inspires others which makes her ultra amazing. I don't know about you but I could use some inspiration these days.

Alaina stayed with her dad last night as Keagan is very ill. We slept on the couch together and I awoke this morning very aware that he is like sleeping with a heating pad right now. I know that a fever is his body fighting off an infection and I hope he gets well soon. I hate it when my babies are sick and luckily they are healthy little people so we don't have to go thru illness too often.

I am trying to decide if I am going to leave him with a friend to go to work or if I will call and reschedule for tomorrow. One reason I like working for myself is that I get to be there when I am needed so reschedule I think it is since he is still running a fever.

Funny story.
Last night after we got home from the er Keagan took a nap.... it was not long and woke up about an hour later. I made him some canned soup and a popsicle. After about an hour of being back awake he said why is it so dark out this morning!!!???? He had thought the whole time he had slept thru the night and it was a dark morning out. He was so confused. Cute little guy.

I think I am going to lay back down since my eyes are getting heavy and I have been up again since 4:00 am.

On the adoption front my bmom's birthday is coming up and I am going to send her a card and apology for being so neglectful to communicating with her after our visit I just needed a break from her. She said some really mean and hurtful things which I think is just part of her defenses.... I know seeing me as a less than perfect person is hard for her. She holds people in general to a high standard.
Till then.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

ER visit

We just got back from the ER.... Keagan has some sort of virus is all they could figure out. He is complaining of legs, arms, hands and feet hurting along with his head. I was concerned it could be meningitis, because he said his vision was blurry, his neck hurt ... but The tests ruled it out.
He was a TROOPER! They had to take quite a bit of blood and they gave him an iv.
I generally do not jump to the dr at first sign of illness but this one freaked me out.
Glad it is nothing serious and I just overreacted to the situation!!
The nurses and Dr. were great. Very compassionate and helpful.

Well that did not last... lol

I forgot about blogging every day... my brain does not function correctly.... but I will pick up again even tho I missed a few.
We had a great fall saturday... We went to the pumpkin patch and ran into a friend of my son's so we took him home with us. We then visited another friend at her home and then went to a awesome halloween party.
I am feeling sort of icky about the day tho as I feel I was not present in the moment but going thru the motions and not really having the fun I should have with my kids.
I need to laugh more, love more, listen more instead of being so uptight.
My son ended up getting sick at the party and we went home in a rush... I hope I was not rude to my hosts I just did not want to have him get sick all over their house.
Today is a new day.... we are going to start over and I am going to make a real effort to smile.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Adoptee friends, birthmom friends

I spoke yesterday by phone with an old internet adoptee friend. Once I got back on line I sent her a you remember me note?..... and she did!!! We exchanged numbers and yesterday was the first time we talked. I am hoping to build a great friendship with her. She is a mom to , to a 2 year old and a 5 year old.
She talked to me about feeling paralyzed. I liked how she used that term. I have always said it's just like I can't do anything. I mean anything.... sometimes doing the dishes is to big a task. I don't know if it is depression or anxiety or a mixture of the two or maybe it's just the lovely life of an adoptee?
We talked about how we are both finding difficulties in raising our kids and that the feelings overwhelm us at times. Our kids want to be close to us but it at times is so hard to even be close to them.
While it saddened me that she has these issues to, it was nice to know I was not alone with these secrets. It's like trying to get water out of an empty well.

I also in the past few months have made a great friend who is also a birthmother. We met by fluke at a yard sale and ended up having friends in common. When talking about our kids she said she has four boys that she is raising and one girl that she gave up for adoption. I about fell over. What makes it even more special is that her daughter and I share a name.
She told me the story of hiding her pregnancy from her family ... she said she was showing but that no one paid attention to her anyhow. She already was a teen mom with one child and did not think she could handle another on her own. She went into labor went to the hospital and called the social worker. She got to pick the family and meet them and be there at relinquishment.

Some serious medical issues came up in her life and she needed to let the family know as it was hereditary. She contacted them and they arranged for her to spend time with the daughter. Sadly once the amom saw how well the two of them and her sons got along they cut off all contact. My friend is respecting their wishes and grateful for the day she did have and has pictures of the reunion up all over her house.

Last night while at my house she asked, can i be close to Laney? Maybe it will help fill my void? Laney is my 5 year old daughter. This is a topic she has brought up before. I have always told her yes that of course my kids need all the love in the world and you surely can love her all you want to.
I did not want to tell her that no amount of closeness to any other child would replace her daughter or heal her pain.
I feel like God put us together for a reason. And I am thankful to have her in my life. It softened my heart.
I am careful what I say to her about adoption... as I don't want to freak her out or upset her. But I have told her that I believe her daughter will seek her out again and told her my story of how my amom got very upset after reunion and it took me six years to let her be upset while I sought after the reunion I wanted and needed. I pray this teen girl is okay and that her life is good and that she knows her mom loves her and wants her in her life.
I worry for her as I know the pain I went thru and go thru in regards to my adoption.... I can only imagine what it was like at 16 to meet your birthmom and then have your adoptive mom take it away.
That's what I am thinking about today. My friend and her pain and her daughter.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

So I am going to try blogging once a day for thirty days and see if I can get in the groove again.
My writing is awful so forgive me but I am going to try writing from the heart.
It is rainy here today and I have so much to do but seems I am not getting off this darn computer .... again.... We went computer free for 4 years and I am already sucked back into the world of the web.... Stuck like a fly.

I was reading a blog from a woman who calls herself a Adoption professional.... her job is convincing women they can not raise there own babies and to give them up for adoption. It saddened me. While I don't think there is no place for adoption I do think we need to SUPPORT mothers to keep their own children and not bully them into placing them into other families.

My own mother was alone and afraid with no support. Her world was bleak. If someone had reached out and helped her who knows what would have been?

Or if she had reached out herself?

I was the same age as my mother when I got pregnant with my first child. I was not married tho did have a boyfriend I ended up marrying. My adoptive parents said it was the thing to do and we fell in line. We are now since divorced and I am raising our two kids alone for the most part. Adoptive family is supportive but lives 6 hours away.

When I first left my ex with my two little ones in tow we went directly to my aparents house. They had us call a shelter and get things started on moving into a transitional housing shelter apartment... I have blogged about this before. It still hurts. That was 4 years ago.
It hurts.
But their son was moving home and his college roommate oh what to do with Emilie and her two kids.

I am going to tell you a story.

When my son was 3 and my daughter 1 I went home for Thanksgiving. My son was sitting at the kitchen table. My abrother came into the house and went into the fridge to get something to eat. HE threw the lid to his food on the ground and told my amother to pick it up bitch like you pick up after everyone else. He then proceeded to empty the entire contents of a trash bag onto the kitchen floor and again told her to pick it up bitch. HE then went downstairs to the basement.
I looked at my mom and said Don't ever tell me he has changed again.

Shortly after this my mom came to me so excited! She said to me- He was JUST MAD BECAUSE Keagan( my son) was sitting in HIS CHAIR!!! Well of course. Who would not react that way due to a 3 year old sitting in "their" chair at the table!!!

What mother would not excuse this behavior as understandable and appropriate!!!
All is forgiven. We were just in his way.

Monday, October 17, 2011

I am becoming more active on an adoptee board again and again reading blogs from all parts of the triad. As I travel on this journey to self I always come back to my adoption.... where it lies in me and out of me and how it has effected my perception of .... everything.

I am going to tell you a story that happened two years ago.
My amom was visiting us. She was talking about my abrothers then girlfriend now wife who has two kids from a previous marriage. She said Dad said what if B and K ( brother and girlfriend) get married and don't have kids of their own and we never get to have any real grandchildren?

I read recently an excerpt of an article on appropriate adoption language.... it said to say that a child WAS adopted not IS adopted. I AM ADOPTED..... Every day of my life.... and by extension my kids are somehow to.

My aparents love my kids. They really do.... but now that they have a real grandchild .... yes B AND K HAD A BABY.... ( my fake nephew according to this real b.s. line of thinking) the differences in treatment are there.... again.... reopening old wounds, not just hurting me but GOING to hurt my babies. Who get to be fake just like me.

Pinch me. Pinch me. Pinch me.