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Sunday, November 20, 2011

Why oh why do people who know nothing about adoptee's experience think they do?

I am so tired of being made to feel like I should be grateful for being abandoned by my mother. Really..... If my mother died at birth would you tell me you were sorry for my loss?

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

So I am dating ....

I mentioned that I had a date Friday and Saturday... well I cancelled Saturdays date since Fridays date went so well and spent most of the weekend with Mr. Tall.
I did good at setting healthy boundaries and we had a wonderful time. Went to dinner, went to a winery for my birthday and a hike. It was splendid.
He is now out of town for work and all my fears are colliding inside. I am having to fight my self sabotaging behavior at every turn and am checking my motives and every single word I say for fear of saying something to ruin this. I don't want to ruin this.

I googled this.... Adoptee's in Love and here is a Q&A that popped up.

Do People Who Are Adopted Have Trouble Loving?

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Dear Neil: I have been with my boyfriend for two years. We just broke up because he is adopted and he has issues loving someone. I don’t know what to say to him to convince him that I love him and I’m not going anywhere. I could care less that he’s adopted but he can’t get over it. Any advice you can give me?

Unsure of What to Do in Steamboat Springs, Colorado


Dear Unsure of What to Do: As someone who grew up adopted, your boyfriend very likely has fears of abandonment, of rejection, of not being good enough and of not feeling worthy of a love relationship. These emotions are not related to you or to your relationship with him, and as a result, there is nothing you can say or do that will take his fears away from him. You can, however, remain patient with him while he works through his issues, if he’s willing to get help and do his work.

Here’s what he can do: First, he can mourn the loss of his birth mother and the bond with her he imagines he would have had, had he not been given up for adoption. He has to do this work regardless of how great his relationship was with his adoptive parents, because we’re talking about losing a more primal inutero bond that is at the core of his feelings that he isn’t worthy of love—or his birth mother would never have parted with him in the first place.

Second, he has to take control of his emotions and his behavior. A good relationship can turn into a nightmare because of out-of-control childish responses to an intimate partner. Nancy Newton Verrier, in the book The Primal Wound (Gateway Press), says when such feelings overwhelm us, we must ask ourselves if our feelings are appropriate to the situation—or out of proportion to what is going on. If we think that our reactions might be too intense for the situation at hand, we have to acknowledge our feelings but respond to the situation—because other people do not have to accept our childish reactions and behaviors.

Third, he has to overcome his fear of what might happen. Adoptees will say: “I can’t allow myself to get close to anyone because I might be rejected,” says Verrier. He must confront and defeat this fear, because it is rooted not in what is happening now, but rather in what potential dangers he might have to face. And one of the risks we have to take if we are to become healthy and whole is the risk of being open and vulnerable to another.

Fourth, adoptees often sabotage anything good that happens to them, because they feel underserving of happiness and success. Your boyfriend overcoming his fears while looking to succeed in a committed relationship will be an important part of his maturation process.

Lastly, he has to overcome his feelings of inner shame by working on and improving his self-acceptance, self-worth and self-esteem. This is not simple work; it will take discipline, willpower and focus to look at what he has, what he offers, how he’s good enough and why he’s worthy of a healthy sustained love relationship.

One final thing. You may love your boyfriend, but if your boyfriend is unwilling to love you, and unwilling to do his own psychotherapy, then he isn’t good for you. Find someone who can and will love you back.

Well It's good to know my abnormal behavior while being close to someone is NORMAL for adoptees... and also good to know it's going to take intensive psychotherapy to notice change.

thanks for that.

National Adoption Awareness Month

It's National Adoption Awareness Month?

We are aware. Are you?

We've all seen the advertisements/public service announcements for National Adoption Month. Are you aware that this was originally conceived to promote foster care adoption of older children? Are you aware that it's promotion is now heavily funded by agencies facilitating the adoption of infants under one year of age? (average cost to the adoptive parents exceeding $30,000)

Something these ad sponsors won't tell you is that in all but six states, the adopted person's original birth certificate will be sealed from their inspection FOREVER. They won't tell you the rules prescribing this sealing are relatively recent inventions designed to shield the adoptive family from scrutiny. They won't tell you that the relinquishing mother has no legal right to anonymity and well over 90% don't want it anyway, instead saying that the sealing is to protect the mother's privacy. They won't remind you that making a MINOR party to a legal contract sealing their birth certificate forever, without informed consent and without legal representation, violates contract law in fifty states, yet is allowed in this sole instance. And they won't tell you that the US adoption industry spends millions of dollars each year on lobbyists to fight efforts to grant adult adoptees the same right to their birth certificate that all other citizens enjoy. Were you aware of those facts?

We believe that supporting any industry at the expense of a US citizen's right to a copy of the only true record of their birth is offensive. Unless you live in one of the six states which allow it, your lawmakers have voted down efforts to allow adult adoptees in your state a copy of their original birth certificate. Please give them a call or a note telling them that this issue means something to you. Treating adopted adults differently because of something they didn't choose just isn't fair, especially when no one wants it but the profiteers.

Make your legislators aware of what this month is really about. Let's not celebrate, let's educate.