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Saturday, January 28, 2012


Another day- another lost dollar. I am trying to wrap my head around some things in my life I struggle with- and can't seem to find the root... I find that by writing about it I sometimes get to the meat of the problem...
I can't seem to keep up with all I have to do on a day and I can't seem to make myself make the changes to make the lifestyle I want.

Friday, January 27, 2012


It has come to my attention that the term birthmother is sometimes not the best word and it offends some. I have been conditioned to call Sandy that- but for the sake of not offending and maybe I myself don't agree with the term- I will try from now on to just call Sandy Sandy and my aparents my aparents.

Chronic Pain

I was in a car accident a few years ago and went thru lots of physical therapy and procedures and visits to a neuro surgeon. What worked finally to reduce my pain was massage. I need one. I am in so much pain today the thought of going to work( I clean houses) is mind boggling.
I don't want to- it hurts! My arm has shooting pains going down it and my neck and shoulder. WHINE!

I don't know why I am writing on this topic....

I know it was hard for my birthmother to accept the fact that the life she wanted for me was not the life that it turned out for me.
I am a divorced single mother who cleans houses for a living. I did go to college but did not graduate I have a year left.
She will say from time to time- at least you have them for financial support now- if you got divorced and did not have them I could not help you how they can. And she is right.
But I know it is a hard pill for her to swallow.

She wanted better for me.... and alas.... maybe it was better in ways- not in others.
SO hard to wrap your mind around. The what if's.
What if she kept me.... what if she got her act together- got off the streets , got on financial assistance. Got into a housing program, went to a shelter for women, what if she kept me?
My mother is very smart- intelligent, engaging, well read. She is also a recovering drug addict and an alcoholic...

Anyhow we also have chronic pain in common, she has been in many accidents and lives in chronic pain daily too she hates it for me. She wanted better for me.... and my life is really not all that far from hers.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

I am going to blog today!!!

I am going to post today.... I am going to post today.... I am going to post today.....
LOL! I think of this blog a lot and what I want to say I just never ever sit down and complete it.

Right now I am directing my kids to get ready for school and typing at the same time- not a good use of my time I might add.. dishes in sink laundry to be done, but I want to type type type. :)

I have no topic....
Birth dad....
Ok... I have not spoken to my birthdad in a long long time. I was upset with him for not telling his sons ya know going on 6 years now I think... So I sort of started being cold to him and I think he figures I am close with my uncle his brother and that is good.
Well Uncle called and said that my dad wants to meet up with me this summer and for me to meet his wife. This is a huge development as this wife did not want anything to do with me and for me to stay far far away from her children( ya know my half brothers). So I said sure tell him just to let me know well in advance and I will do my best. I don't think I will take the kids- unless my boyfriend goes with which may happen since we will have been together quite a while at that point. that way he could deal with the kids if I needed a break since it is quite emotional for me to be with him and I am sure meeting his wife will be stressful.

I have begun looking at my brothers on that I am in contact with 3 family members on facebook who he is friends with I wonder if I pop up on his people you may know and if he notices I look like his dad.? It is a big family so he may think I am related but prob not his dad's child I am sure.
Anyhow- that's all I have to say for today....
Anyone in contact with their bio dad? Siblings?
The boys are 16 and 19 now I think- I have told him once they are of age( both of them) I will most likely seek them out so i think that is why he is moving things forward. I am not trying to be pushy about it. I have waited 6 years.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

so sad

On a board I post on a mother just identified herself as a birthmother -and then said she regretted it and could still get her baby back but the adoptive parents and their lawyer are playing games and she can not afford to get a lawyer to fight for her baby back.
Very sad. she is a mother raising kids and I have no idea her reasons behind placing- all I know is she wants her baby back- and it's too late she thinks.
I just want to pray for this mama and her baby and these prospective adoptive parents-
It broke my heart.

Friday, January 20, 2012

Birth Cousin development

I found my natural dad when I was 26. I am now 31. We had a DNA test and have met two times. He has two teenage sons who he does not want to know about me for fear of it disrupting their lives. They live in Washington State and I live in Illinois. Not like I would or could just drop in. So anyhow on the second visit he introduced me to his brother my uncle Joe and we have built a strong loving relationship and he is like a father to me.
This past year I found out I possibly had fibromyalgia and all these other health issues. Uncle Joe said- you need to talk to SUE... Sue has fibromyalgia and another illness and you need to know your medical history and SUE has it.
So he called Sue and told her about me and put us in contact. Sue is great and we are soooo much alike. ( not just looks, everything).
She gave me lots of health information and we have started a relationship. She was sworn to secrecy.
Well- today her daughter friended me on facebook( my cousin Jennifer) Sue says that she saw me on Facebook and wondered who I was since I look so much like her( and I do!)... so she told her.
Now whether that story is true or not is beside the point. One more family member to know and love and get to know.
I am elated.... I have been my dad's dirty little secret for 6 years now.... I have played by his rules and not reached out for my family- tho I know who and where they are.... they all live in Nebraska.
But that time is coming to an end. I want my family. I want to know people I am like and who are like me and I can relate to. So far the two family members I have met just click with me.
I want these people in my life.
It is so healing for me to be seen as normal by these people who are like me.
Anyhow- this is a development on my journey and I thought I would let you know.

Sunday, January 1, 2012


HAPPY NEW YEAR! I had a good new years eve- took kids to boyfriends house with his daughter and had a little pizza party. It was great. They had a good time just hanging out.. we fell asleep before midnight and the kids had to wake us up... getting old lol.

Today I want to do something special with them just don't know what yet- I feel like their childhoods are passing me by and I am just mainly keeping them busy not growing them.... does that make any sense?

They are still asleep as write this... maybe we will go for a hike.