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Saturday, July 28, 2012

My brother...



My birth mother had a son 4 years prior to me in Portland Oregon.

I am toying with the idea of searching for him- she has given me all the information she has and has given me her blessing to do this.

I have thought about it for most of my life... since I found out about him when I was 12 and when it was confirmed by her when I was 20 and spoke with her the first time....

I hope he is okay.

I keep thinking I will stumble upon him somehow.

Monday, July 23, 2012

and this....

I am 50yrs, i adopted a 2yr old and regret it after a few months, I did not realize the work involved and patience and time consuming. She is almost 3yrs and i am so frustrated everyday cuz it is all about her. I have had to put my own son aside and my husband to take care of her. I dont love her as my own child, but love her cuz she has nobody i feel sorry for her. My life feels as if i am living it only for her as she is extremely demanding and with a similar personality of her bipolar mom whom is my niece. No other family member was able to step up so that cps wouldnt take her so family members pressured me to take her. Help!



this too....

I guess I am posting these because people tend to say that adoption is so great ....

this to....

I too hate the child my husband and I adopted. He just turned 9 and has severe ADHD and other psychological issues. He just recently exposed himself to our biological 5 yr/old daughter. I do NOT trust him at all. I told my husband that I didn't want to adopt him from the beginning. He was 3 1/2 when the adoption was final, but we had had him since the age of 3 months.

I could tell around the age of 2 that he needed "help." His behaviors were impulsive and moods were very unstable. I fear for our safety when he reaches his teens. He is on meds but that too is an ongoing battle.....he is cconstantly at the doctors getting his meds adjusted. He is more trouble than what I have time for. I have 2 other children, biological, and they seem to always take the back burner b/c he is constantly demanding my attention.

I wish that his bio mom could get him back. She claims that she was never informed of his adoption/termination of parental rights. This kid is driving me insane and making me a VERY angry person. I want to enjoy my bio kids and have him out of the equation. Unfortunately, my husband and mother think he is the greatest thing. I am seriously considering leaving my husband b/c of him. My sanity is more important than anything else.

HELP ME!!!!


This is a real post by an adoptive mother... I don't know why I am posting it....

I am so sad for the children who are adopted by these families and I am so sad that they are not wanted and they have issues and I am just so troubled about adoption at all today.
This poster had the baby from age of 3 months...

UGH.

That is why I would never adopt. I've heard most of the kids are horrible. Most birth mothers are trashy and well, that's the DNA that gets passed on to the child. I can't believe so many people still want to adopt.


Just ran across this....

nice.

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Feelings towards expectant mothers... birthmothers...

It seems to me that prospective adoptive parents speak really highly of expectant mothers... how wonderful and brave and strong she is....

Then you read from Adoptive parents ..... once the expectant mothers actually relinquish and takes on the title of "birthmom"... and the prospective adoptive parents  take custody of the baby and become the adoptive legal parents......

all of a sudden the birthmother is  troubled, mentally ill, a danger to the child, demanding, annoying, bothersome, bi polar...

It is not in every case .. of course-.

It just troubles me when reading- how these expectant moms who are thought so highly of and treated like hero's become yesterday's old news... and suddenly become a danger to the child...

I am just thinking about this- it is bothering me today after reading about to many open adoptions closing due to the adoptive parents deeming the birth parents are a threat...

A threat to who?

A baby is not a gift and it is not fair to "sell" an expectant mom on open adoption- if you do not stand by the commitment to keep it open.  It is not fair to knowingly deceive a expectant mom into thinking she is a member of your family and you are close friends and you care about her-
If you don't.




Friday, July 6, 2012

buyer's remorse...

This is the title that this AP chose for her post on an adoption board... very sad.

Please thoughts and prayers for this child.

I recently adopted a 6-year-old from China, my 3rd child.  The whole family was part of the decision, as my older daughters had long wanted a little sister.  My partner actually selected the “waiting child” we adopted.  The transition has had typical difficulties: temper tantrums at first, sleeping problems, communication issues with English as a second language, and sibling jealousy.  What I was not prepared for was for my partner to decide that “this is too much trouble; give the child back.”  Of course, I’m not willing to do that.  Has anyone else experienced anything like this?  How did you deal with it?

Thursday, July 5, 2012

mom and dad came to visit...

My mom and dad came - my adoptive parents... of course since my biological parents have not been together in the same state since well- 1980 before they even knew of my existence in the womb even- it most likely goes without saying that when mom and dad come to visit- that would be - ya know- mom and dad my adoptive parents-.
It went ... well and not so well.
nails on the chalkboard kind of feeling.
They were here from Sunday night to Wednesday morning...

The last night they were here we went to my sons ball game and then on to eat dinner... and we got home and I went to my room with my son- and my daughter was in and out-and all of a sudden my mom was yelling- that I was not helping- my new kitten had thrown up in my daughters bedroom and I was not helping to clean it up.  So I got up and grabbed the paper towels.  "Where is it" I asked?...  finally after searching for it for some time- she says I cleaned it up.  "Oh" I say and retreat back to my bedroom.  At which point my father comes into my room and starts yelling about me texting thru dinner.  I was texting.  I was being cordial to a point but I was texting- most likely a negative coping skill- zoning out- distracting myself from things that are uncomfortable for me... then he lifts a vacuum he had fixed for me and starts to go on about how I am LAZY.  That I don't empty my vacuum enough- and it goes on and on.  My son is laying there and I say- Grandma and Grandpa are not going to be able to come back if they can not stay calm when they are here.... which of course he reports back to grandma and then it gets really fun.  My mother coming into my room trying to get me to hug her.  I don't want to I reply.  I am mad at you.  Hugging my mother- after she just threw a temper tantrum when I have TRIED to spend time with her and be HER DAUGHTER for her- and for me- is exhausting and I don't want to fight or argue or talk it out and I surely do not - WANT TO HUG.
Finally my mom comes back in and I do hug her.  She says... I know you are mad at me and I am sorry that I yelled at you.  So I hugged her.   It was uncomfortable at best.  But i did it because I am not a malicious person.  I am a very nice giving person to everyone who crosses my path... save my mother, and my father.  But I try.  She kept saying she was sorry and I said- well what are you sorry about?  How can you be sorry when you do not even know what you did?  When you do not acknowledge it?  There is no answering this question- there is no answer- until I am ready to tell her- which would cause her pain- and I won't do that- we will continue to give fake hugs and stressful visits- 2 day visits... always at my house... not at my childhood home with hopes that I have some control- that I am on my turf and can retreat to my private spaces without someone coming in and telling me I am lazy or yelling at me... or just making me uncomfortable in my own skin.

I know she is not mad about kitten throw up- I know she is not mad that I did not know about it.  She is mad... and she does not know why- I am mad and I know why but do not have the words or the evilness in me to tell her.

And then she drops a bombshell.  I know you feel bad and I know you are hurt and have been hurt your whole life... I know you feel like you live in outerspace and I don't know how to help with that... I did not know.  But the thing is- I know I am not your mother but you are my daughter and that is hard.

So this is what she is mad about.  She thinks I do not think she is my mother or maybe it is that SHE does not think she is my mother....  She is my mother- the mother I talk to every day. I call in the morning- or she calls me- just to make sure I am up. We talk throughout the day mostly...  She visits without my father at least every other month and she is the grandmother to my children.  When things happen and I need help- she is who I call...She raised me.  She is my mother.   But she has most likely never believed that she was- or that I thought she was- and since she never took the time to deal with those feelings- she is angry.  Because while she comes to visit her daughter- she does not think she is truly my mother.  Maybe I don't either- I don't know.  It is to complicated for me to get my head around.  I try- I try so hard to fulfill that for her.... that adult mother daughter relationship.

How do i accept her as my mother- if she does not truly believe she is my mother and most likely never has.

A few years ago- she made the comment that if my brother ( their bio) never had kids that then her and dad would never have any real grandkids.  My kids were 4 and 2 at the time.... She of course prefaced this statement with DON"T GET MAD- but dad and I were talking and he said....

MAD?  MAD?  Mad did not touch how I felt that day-or how I feel right now writing about it...

don't get mad mom- but ya know- it sort of sucks that I don't get any real parents either.

Whatever that means.


I love my mother- and I love my dad.  I love my other mother and my other father to.  I am a strange mix of all of them- and then uniquely myself as well... this is just an account of an adult adoptee and a visit with her mother- who does not think she is... her mother... or something like that.  I know she is trying to understand.
Forgiveness.  Forgiveness.  Forgiveness.