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Thursday, July 5, 2012

mom and dad came to visit...

My mom and dad came - my adoptive parents... of course since my biological parents have not been together in the same state since well- 1980 before they even knew of my existence in the womb even- it most likely goes without saying that when mom and dad come to visit- that would be - ya know- mom and dad my adoptive parents-.
It went ... well and not so well.
nails on the chalkboard kind of feeling.
They were here from Sunday night to Wednesday morning...

The last night they were here we went to my sons ball game and then on to eat dinner... and we got home and I went to my room with my son- and my daughter was in and out-and all of a sudden my mom was yelling- that I was not helping- my new kitten had thrown up in my daughters bedroom and I was not helping to clean it up.  So I got up and grabbed the paper towels.  "Where is it" I asked?...  finally after searching for it for some time- she says I cleaned it up.  "Oh" I say and retreat back to my bedroom.  At which point my father comes into my room and starts yelling about me texting thru dinner.  I was texting.  I was being cordial to a point but I was texting- most likely a negative coping skill- zoning out- distracting myself from things that are uncomfortable for me... then he lifts a vacuum he had fixed for me and starts to go on about how I am LAZY.  That I don't empty my vacuum enough- and it goes on and on.  My son is laying there and I say- Grandma and Grandpa are not going to be able to come back if they can not stay calm when they are here.... which of course he reports back to grandma and then it gets really fun.  My mother coming into my room trying to get me to hug her.  I don't want to I reply.  I am mad at you.  Hugging my mother- after she just threw a temper tantrum when I have TRIED to spend time with her and be HER DAUGHTER for her- and for me- is exhausting and I don't want to fight or argue or talk it out and I surely do not - WANT TO HUG.
Finally my mom comes back in and I do hug her.  She says... I know you are mad at me and I am sorry that I yelled at you.  So I hugged her.   It was uncomfortable at best.  But i did it because I am not a malicious person.  I am a very nice giving person to everyone who crosses my path... save my mother, and my father.  But I try.  She kept saying she was sorry and I said- well what are you sorry about?  How can you be sorry when you do not even know what you did?  When you do not acknowledge it?  There is no answering this question- there is no answer- until I am ready to tell her- which would cause her pain- and I won't do that- we will continue to give fake hugs and stressful visits- 2 day visits... always at my house... not at my childhood home with hopes that I have some control- that I am on my turf and can retreat to my private spaces without someone coming in and telling me I am lazy or yelling at me... or just making me uncomfortable in my own skin.

I know she is not mad about kitten throw up- I know she is not mad that I did not know about it.  She is mad... and she does not know why- I am mad and I know why but do not have the words or the evilness in me to tell her.

And then she drops a bombshell.  I know you feel bad and I know you are hurt and have been hurt your whole life... I know you feel like you live in outerspace and I don't know how to help with that... I did not know.  But the thing is- I know I am not your mother but you are my daughter and that is hard.

So this is what she is mad about.  She thinks I do not think she is my mother or maybe it is that SHE does not think she is my mother....  She is my mother- the mother I talk to every day. I call in the morning- or she calls me- just to make sure I am up. We talk throughout the day mostly...  She visits without my father at least every other month and she is the grandmother to my children.  When things happen and I need help- she is who I call...She raised me.  She is my mother.   But she has most likely never believed that she was- or that I thought she was- and since she never took the time to deal with those feelings- she is angry.  Because while she comes to visit her daughter- she does not think she is truly my mother.  Maybe I don't either- I don't know.  It is to complicated for me to get my head around.  I try- I try so hard to fulfill that for her.... that adult mother daughter relationship.

How do i accept her as my mother- if she does not truly believe she is my mother and most likely never has.

A few years ago- she made the comment that if my brother ( their bio) never had kids that then her and dad would never have any real grandkids.  My kids were 4 and 2 at the time.... She of course prefaced this statement with DON"T GET MAD- but dad and I were talking and he said....

MAD?  MAD?  Mad did not touch how I felt that day-or how I feel right now writing about it...

don't get mad mom- but ya know- it sort of sucks that I don't get any real parents either.

Whatever that means.

I love my mother- and I love my dad.  I love my other mother and my other father to.  I am a strange mix of all of them- and then uniquely myself as well... this is just an account of an adult adoptee and a visit with her mother- who does not think she is... her mother... or something like that.  I know she is trying to understand.
Forgiveness.  Forgiveness.  Forgiveness.


I never got to say goodbye said...

I wanted to comment on this... I shared this tidbit with my bio mom- and she said- oh how sad... and interesting. This really explains a lot. I am sorry your mom feels this way, she is more your mom than I am...

Meg and Ken said...

Your words at the end about the real grandkids makes me cry for you and with you. I'm with your bio sad. She has truly missed so much because of insecurities and doubt. Hugs to you.

I never got to say goodbye said...

Thanks Meg and Ken.

Julie Gaglione said...

I am reading this post months makes me very sad. I am very disconnected to my adoptive parents and I have felt many times what you have written about here.

I have come to the decision that it is their job to be the parents, not mine to make them feel good. I would bet, just from reading this, that you know that as well. It's just so hard to know what to do once we know it.

I have parented my parents my whole life. Now I have found my first father. He listens to me and asks questions. He acts like the adult, and he acts like my father because he is my father.

I abandoned my own first mother because my adoptive parents could not handle it. They never talked to me but talked through my husband. All I knew was my adoptive parents, and I could not afford to lose them. I am coming to terms with the why of this and learning to forgive myself.

You are a great writer. I find with many writers on blogs like yours that I have almost identical feelings...what a HUGE comfort.