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Thursday, May 31, 2012

I got nominated for a beautiful blogger award....

beautifulbloggeraward21 thumb My nominees for the Beautiful Blogger Award

I got nominated for a blog award!  This surely has never happened before:)  Made my day.  My blog is so messy and not thought out well and I am sort of embarrassed by it... tho it does give a glimpse into my ADHD mind haha.

Thank you for nominating me!
I am supposed to nominate others...

My nominees are

Love is Not A Pie

"Where is Baby Lily, Mommy"

Lost Daughters

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Friend passed away....

A friend of mine from my hometown passed away.  I have not lived there in a few years... but we did keep in touch over facebook a little.  My adoptive brother text and called me to let me know which was really nice of him since we do not have a relationship.  He was friends with him as well.  He told me he would tell me when he finds out what happened. 

Very sad news for me today.  I am awaiting the details and I am saddened for his family and close friends.  He just had a birthday on the 24th of this month.  It is just a sad thing to die so young.  I am 31 and he was a few years ahead of me in school... so young.

RIP my friend.

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Advertising agency

This is so disturbing to me.  This is a advertising adoption agency.

This is just a bit of information on their website... that I find appalling.  APPALLING!

Babies should NOT be for sale.  If babies were not for sale ... and adoption is all about the costs incurred then why do the babies of color have a different price?

Caucasian: $25K - $40K Min. Budget of $25K
Biracial: $18K to $25K Min. Budget of $18K
AA: $15K to $20K Min. Budget of $15K    

I urge you to go read this sickening website and see if you can see what is WRONG with adoption.  If you can't see it... read it again... and again.... and again... until you do. 

If you find yourself making excuses or trying to make this okay and make sense and legitimize it... read it again.  Then come back and discuss your feelings with me.  We are here to learn from each other.

AND please ask yourself if the INDUSTRY of ADOPTION is something you want to support... or be a part of.

IF you are an adoptive parent and this angers you and you think it is wrong- Please speak out-

Friday, May 25, 2012

Has adoption changed?

This comes from an infertility website....  bolding and emphasis is mine.

"My Biggest Fear Was...

My biggest fear was that I would never have a baby.   It was all I ever wanted.  Having suffered with endometriosis for many years, I knew it would be difficult.  I never imagined that it would be a four year journey which included 4 laparoscopies, 3 HSG's too many blood tests, countless shots, at least 9 inseminations, 2 failed attempts at in-vitro, and a heartbreaking miscarriage.  Then there was emotional pain.  Every month I had to endure yet another loss, and somehow find strength so set myself up all over again.  I never understood why it was happening to me.  The monsters of this world were having babies and leaving them in dumpsters, and I couldn't get pregnant no matter what I did - how can that be? I know the answer now, and I can look back and say it was all worth it because my story has a happy ending - a beautiful little boy name Austin.

My husband and I never really discussed adoption.   It was part of our plan, though - the very last resort.  We would do so many inseminations, then so many in-vitro's and then if none of that worked we would adopt.   Sounds logical, right? But we never thought it was going to come to that because we kept telling ourselves that we were going to get pregnant.  When the day came that we reached the end of our plan and we decided to give up on becoming pregnant, it wasn't as hard to let go as I thought it would be.  I remember a tremendous feeling of relief.   I finally felt like there was a light at the end of the tunnel.  We realized that we could become parents without getting pregnant and this time it was really going to happen.  Why didn't we think of this sooner? Six months later we were holding our beautiful baby boy in our arms.  In that instant, all the pain of infertility when away.  We had our baby and we were his parents and our joy was indescribable.

We chose and international adoption for many reasons.   The main reason was time - it took only six months for an infant baby boy (our son was five months old when we brought him home).  We were told domestic adoptions could take years and then there was the unbearable fear that someone could try to take him away from me.  I didn't even like the idea of "open" adoptions, which seem so popular these days.  I waited so long for a baby, I certainly didn't want to share him with anybody.  We decided on Russia because we knew the baby would look like us and we knew the adoption was completely closed.  I was fortunate enough to have chose a wonderful agency like EAC, who patiently helped me through all of the paperwork and, more importantly, gave us the baby of our dreams.

Austin has been with us for three years now. Sometimes we still pinch ourselves when we look at him.  He is so beautiful and smart and loving - we feel like the luckiest people in the world to have this perfect little boy in our lives.  It doesn't matter where he came from - we couldn't possibly feel more love or pride for him.  We realize that some people are meant to become parents through adoption, and we are two of those people.  It is the best thing that has ever happened to us.  I honestly believe that we could not have produced such a beautiful child - we were graciously blessed with him.  He was born in our hearts and was always meant to be our.

Scott and Jodi"

I am simply posting this as an eye opener for those who do not believe that adoptive parents still feel this way or have these thoughts.  

Has adoption changed?  Yes.  Has it changed enough?  NO.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Bragging about my kids!

This is something I don't do ... very often....

but even with all my dysfunction and troubles... I have two really great kids... and in all honesty- it is not because of me- it is mostly in spite of me and they are just truly some really really great kids!

And i want to tell you about them... and me... and how things are...

My son who I will call K, is 8 years old and going to be 9 in June.  He loves to read and learn and is very gifted thinker.  He is very caring and concerned with others feelings.  He is a genuinely good person and I love who he is becoming.
He is now into baseball- He has played for 2 years and he has just made the ALL STAR traveling team here in town.... Very cool.  I love to watch the games and his dad my ex-husband coaches his team.  I am one proud mama!

My daughter is 6- We will call her L.  She is a doll.  An absolute doll.  She has the cutest ways and this curly crazy hair I just never can quite figure out what to do with!
She loves to sing and dance and be a girl.  She is funny.  She is expressive.  She is my girl and she is growing up so fast!
She is involved in a cheerleading group this summer- I never was a cheerleader and had absolutely no interest - but she does so off to cheer practice we go.  With this group she gets to cheer in parades and at a Minor League Baseball Game in July.  That will be fun for her.

Today my son asked to see pictures of his cousins who live in Canada on facebook.  I have not met my cousins children as - they live in Canada and we are not close though we do chat from time to time on FB.  He looked at the pictures of his second cousins and said I know I don't look like them because you are adopted he said I look like my dad's family- which in fact is partly true- but he does resemble my birthfamily.  I said no sweetie you don't.   Do you want to see pictures of our birthfamily?  So I showed him the facebook pages of the family on my birthdad's side that I have as friends ( 4 people) and he thought it was really cool how I looked like my aunt and her daughters( my first cousins) and how he resembled her sons.

It has come to my attention that many adoptees do not tell their children about being adopted to spare their adoptive parents feelings or avoid uncomfortable questions. I told my children at young ages about adoption and that I was adopted.  Of course I did this in simple terms.  As they get older,  they understand more and sometimes ask questions.

Sometimes- like in the story below when my amom is around....

The last time my adoptive mom visited we were out shopping together and  my daughter was sitting in the back of the car and stated quite clearly "I have three grandmas!  Now mom, is grandma like your step mom?"  YIKES!  I handled it well and told her again about how I grew in S's tummy and she could not take care of a baby so she gave me to grandma J.  OH MY.  My mom handled it well thankfully she even pointed out that my daughter in fact has more then 3 grandmas and entered the discussion.   My daughter does not remember even meeting my birthmom and it was twice that she did and the only contact they have is through gifts and cards and an occasional phone call.

I understand why adoptees would  be cautious about telling their kids to keep things like this from happening.... since kids do not know the meaning of- we really don't talk about this in front of adoptive grandparents....I personally made the right decision for my family...

Are my kids affected by my adoption?

Short answer- the way I see it... YES.

More on that later.

Sunday, May 20, 2012

This is a good article about adoption trauma.  A good read for anyone impacted by adoption.

Friday, May 18, 2012

Did I betray my adoptive parents by seeking out and finding my biological parents?

This is a reply to an article that an adoptee wrote about reuniting with her birthfamily.... It was a very nice article... and the replies- made my head spin.... This is just one of many comments ... many from people saying how horrible it was that this woman searched and if they were adopted they would not search.

This was from a woman- not a adoptee, not a birthmother, not an adoptive mother... just a woman with a opinion.... there were many similar to this.  It seems to me that the belief to shame the adoptee for wanting to know their genetic identity goes deep.... and many people see this as a betrayal to the adoptive parents.

I have thought about adoption. This has been my hurdle. I am fine if the adopted child wants the stats and medical history. But, this yearning for some stranger who gave you up because of a biological link is a slap in the face I could not take. I have a few friends who are asian who do not share these issues. None of them have tried to find the biological parent. If I adopt, it will be an asian child. Can't be bothered with the rest of this nonsense. Call it silly or whatever, but either you are my child and I your mum, or not. I am not going to love and sacrifice for over 18 years for some child to come inform me as an adult that they want a relationship with the biological stranger parent. That, they can't decide who should walk them down the aisle. Some people can probably take this. I know I can't. As if there are not enough issues and unknowns with adoption, you know have to wonder...will this one betray me? Will she slight me for the bios.

I think it is great that this woman is being honest with herself and I do hope that she does not adopt since this would be to hard for her.  I honestly think if you can't accept the fact that your adopted child may want contact with their biological family someday- adoption is not for you.

My question really is- How in the world do you know what you would do if you were an adoptee faced with the decision to search ? How would you know until you grew up and lived your whole life wondering where you came from, what your story was, who you looked like, talked like, walked like.  How would you know until you walked that road?

Is it fair to adoptees for people to say what they would of would not do?

I was reminded by an adoptee friend yesterday that many adoptive parents struggle with infertility first.  They go through treatments and great lengths to be able to conceive a genetically related child.   Why would it be so hard for adoptive parents to understand that an adoptee would want to know people they are genetically related to?

 More then likely adoptive parents grew up with a biological family-  they do not recognize what it is like to not have that biological connection to their parents and other family members.

What if we can draw a bridge from the deep desire to have a biological child--------to being an adopted person wanting to know their biological family?

Maybe if people dug deep and remembered that longing- they would get a glimpse of our longing to?

  • In a study of American adolescents, the Search Institute found that 72 percent of adopted adolescents wanted to know why they were adopted, 65 percent wanted to meet their birth parents, and 94 percent wanted to know which birth parent they looked like. (American Adoption Congress, 1996)
  • The psychological literature has established that the desire of 60 to 90 percent of adoptees wanting to obtain identifying information regarding their biological parents is a normative aspect of being adopted. (American Adoption Congress, 1996)

What are the Attitudes of Triad Members Towards Searching?

  • Sachdev's 1991 study found that a substantial majority of birth mothers (85.5%) and adoptees (81.1%) supported access by adult adoptees to identifying information about their birth parents. (CWLA, 1998)

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Open Letter to Prospective adoptive parents and adoptive parents

I borrowed this from an adoptee I know...   This is what I want you to know.

Open Letter to Prospective Adoptive Parents, Adoptive Parents and anyone else who has an interest in the adoptee experience.

What you are about to read may shock you.  It may challenge you.  And, hopefully, it may inspire you to educate yourself further on the realities of adoption. Please read the following with an open mind, and try not to take anything said here personally.  Because this is not meant to be an attack or a judgment; it is meant to be an honest and heartfelt expression of one adoptee's experience that would hopefully bring understanding and respect for the often ignored portion of the adoption equation.)

To all adoptive parents, hopeful adoptive parents, and anyone who has ever even considered adoption:

Being adopted hurts.  Being adopted is hard.  It is not beautiful; it is brutal, it is tragic, it is a cause for great sadness. For in order for a child to even be available for adoption, that child must first go through some sort of tragedy; whether that be abuse, hunger, homelessness, neglect, or even the simple fact that he or she is losing the life and family he or she was born into.  This makes adoption a thing to mourn; not a cause for celebration or joy.  To be joyful about adopting a child is to be glad that this tragedy happened.

I don't think there's a soul alive who would actually choose to be born into a situation where being relinquished for adoption, voluntarily or otherwise, was necessary.

Of course there will always be a need for children to be removed from their parent(s) and placed in safer, more stable, loving homes - but please understand that no matter how good and loving and wonderful the adopting parents are, nothing will ever erase the pain, the grief, and the loss that comes with being adopted.

The very foundation of adoption is that of loss - a child loses his or her mother, father, and entire family; a mother, father and family loses one of their children.  And, yes, even a loss for the adopting parent - sometimes the loss of the expectation of having their own, biological offspring, the loss of a dream of having a baby of "their own."  A separation of one family MUST occur before a new one can be built through adoption.  Maybe it isn't a voluntary destruction, maybe the destruction is necessary for the health and safety of the child - but it is still a destruction of the very core, fundamental foundations of that child's life that will forever be altered.

Think of it this of your parents dies, and your surviving parent eventually goes on to remarry.  Though you might grow to love and have a great relationship with your parent's new spouse, no amount of love and happiness in this present situation will erase the grief you feel over the loss of your other parent.  So please, if you have adopted or are considering adoption, keep this in mind.

Adoption should be the very last resort after all other options have been tried.  Ask yourself this - does an adoption HAVE to happen?  Is there anything I can possibly do to help this young mother keep her child?  Are there resources I can direct her to, items I can supply her with, can I offer her the support and encouragement she needs to be a good parent?  If so, then pursuing adoption is not the right choice.  Too many unnecessary adoptions happen as a permanent solution to a very temporary problem.  Adoption, after all, is forever - while a current living situation, job situation, etc., is temporary and can be changed and improved.  Most women who relinquish their children do so because they feel they have no other choice...but what if she does have another choice, and only needs the support and encouragement to make it?

Adopted people know we are a second choice, a "Plan B," a solution to someone else's problem.  While there are some people out there who would choose adoption first, most only do so after failed attempts at pregnancy or to "complete" a family of all boys or girls or to give their current child a sibling.  Adding to your family through adoption should never be about meeting some need of your should always and only ever be about providing for the CHILD'S needs.  Please don't put the added pressure on an adopted child by forcing them to live up to the unspoken standard of the child you couldn't concieve or the son or daughter you couldn't produce.  Adoption is not a cure for infertility, nor are adopted people "gifts" to be passed around in order to complete somebody else's life.  We are human beings in our own right, with our own feelings, needs, and wants.  Don't add to an already painful situation by expecting us to be something we weren't born to be.

Please be willing to be completely open and honest with the child you may someday adopt.  It doesn't matter how horrible of a situation they came out of; tell them the truth, and tell them early.  For the truth can be dealt with, it can be processed and closure can be found; but nobody can get closure from fantasies and daydreams.  Adopted people are stronger than you give them credit for; believe me when I say, we imagine and prepare for every possible scenario when it comes to our families or origin.  Don't think we haven't entertained the idea that our biological parents were the worst of the worst, or idealized them as some sort of saintly creatures, and everything in between.  We have already survived the loss of our original families; don't for one minute think we can't survive knowing the reason why.  And on that note, if an adopted person ever chooses to search, reunite, or just know more about their family of origin, don't guilt them into not doing it or make them feel beholden to you.  It has NOTHING to do with you.  NOTHING.  Human beings are born with an innate curiosity about who and where we come from.  For some adopted people to feel whole, they need to know their own personal history and explore their roots.  There's nothing wrong with that.  After all, you, as the parent, are responsible for your adopted child's happiness and well being...not the other way around.  Swallow your pride, put away your jealousy, and support your adopted child in any quest for truth they may wish to undertake.  Believe me, they will thank you for it.

Don't fall into the terminology trap.  Adoptees know they have more than one set of parents...two that created them, and the parent(s) who are raising them.  ALL are real to the adoptee.  Don't get caught up in who is "real" and who is more important; let your adopted child choose the terminology that suits THEM.  If you have been a good and loving parent, that's all you need.  Besides, a parent can love more than one child, so why can't a child be allowed to love more than one parent?  The heart has an infinite capability to love.  Don't begrudge your adopted child the possibility of loving people he or she may not even remember.

And don't disparage the biological parents or family either.  They may be evil people, the scum of the earth...but to say anything bad about the biological family is the same as saying something bad about your adopted child.  The child did come from these people, after all; and better or worse we did inherit parts of ourselves from them.  The old saying applies here more than anywhere else...if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.

Adopted people experience a range of issues from having been adopted...many suffer from the fear of rejection and abaondonment, have problems trusting others and forming relationships.  After all, our very mothers could walk away from us, so what's to stop anyone else?  Though not all adoptees experience these, many do, and to varying degrees.  Just because the adopted person in your life hasn't mentioned it, don't think they don't feel it.  Many will never, ever talk about their negative adoption issues for those exact reasons...fear of rejection, fear of abandonment, and just the overwhelmingly negative response they expect.  If the adopted person in your life (your child, a friend or other family member) ever does talk about it, take your personal feelings and judgments out of it.  Resist the temptation to say things like, "But you had such wonderful [adoptive] parents!" or "but you could have been aborted/thrown in a dumpster/etc.!"  Adoptees are the only subset of society who are wholly expected to be grateful for our very lives, and with this expectation comes the need to try to suppress any negative emotion or feeling.  Most adoptees won't even admit to themselves, let alone other people, that they are hurting.  After all, we got this "better life," didn't we?  We don't have the RIGHT to feel sad/angry/depressed.  So many adoptees choose to stay silent and instead live a lie.

And, yes, that goes hand-in-hand with the child-parent relationship thing...remember, the PARENT is repsonsible for the health and well being of the CHILD, NOT the other way around.  Only in adoption are adoptees somehow expected to always be careful not to "hurt" their adoptive parents; not to rock the boat or bring up something about their adoption because their PARENTS might not like it.  This is another reason so many adopted people don't speak about adoption...we are afraid of hurting our adoptive parents.  I know that as a parent myself, I would never expect my children to be responsible for my please, don't ever place that expectation on adopted people either.  After all, their adoptive parents WANTED to adopt, they WANTED a child, and chose this path for themselves.  The adoptee most often did not choose it and had no say in the matter.  Don't expect gratitude.  ANYONE could have been aborted, could have been abandoned, could have been abused.  These are not phenomena that are solely related to adoptees.  Just because a person was adopted doesn't automatically mean they were unwanted, that they "could have been" anything...they are just people who are being raised by a different family and are living a DIFFERENT life, not necessarily a better one.

Please, if you are considering adoption or have already, educate yourself.  Read books such as the Primal Wound.  Read blogs by adopted people and relinquishing parents.  Go into it with an open mind and open heart.  Understand that there is the very real potential that the child you someday adopt might just struggle with it.  And while you can be a terrific parent, a wonderful guide and mentor, the damage has already been done.  Be prepared to do the hard work of helping your child deal with any grief, anger, and other issues he/she may feel.  TALK to them about it.  Adoptees are notorious for keeping things bottled up...let them know it's OK to talk with you about them.  Reassure them that you will NOT be hurt, offended or damaged by their feelings.  ALLOW them the freedom to feel whatever they feel.

If you are considering an open adoption or have entered into an open adoption, HONOR that.  Unless there is some clear and present danger to the life of your child, KEEP THE COMMUNICATION OPEN.  Don't cease contact with the biological family because it's an inconvenience for YOU.  Understand that yes, at times it might be emotionally trying for your adopted child, your child may come away from visits or reading letters and feel depressed and angry, but don't take that as a reason to cease contact.  TALK to your child. Help them understand WHY they are feeling this way.  It's only natural that this might happen; and in the same breath, the biological mother/father/family may also feel overwhelmed at times and pull back, but do what you can to keep the lines of communication open.  Remember, adoption is based on loss, and being reminded of that loss can be overwhelming.  But that doesn't mean it should be avoided.  Your adopted child will thank you someday for sacrificing your own happiness and comfort to allow him/her to keep this very important connection.

Try not to make a big celebration out of your child's adoption day (and PLEASE don't EVER use the horribly offensive and insensitive term "Gotcha Day).  The same goes for birthdays.  For while it may be a happy occasion to remember, keep in mind that it also marks the day that the adopted person was permanently and forever separated from their mother, their father, their original family.  Birthdays are especially hard; for most adoptees have the knowldedge that our births were not cause for celebration; nobody was bringing our mothers flowers and balloons and offering congratulations; our entrance into this world was one of sadness and trepidation.  And it marks the day we were phyisically separated from our mothers; for many of us, it was the last time we ever saw her.  So if the adoptee in your life withdraws around his or her birthday or doesn't appear to like celebrating, respect that.  Understand that to many of us, it is not a cause for celebration.

I am not trying to tell anyone not to adopt.  I am not saying, "shame on you" to anyone who already has adopted.  What I am saying is, please step back and really think long and hard about the ramifications of adoption on the very person who is at the center of it all - the child you hope for or the child you have brought into your home.  Be ready and willing to put a lot of hard work into helping this adopted child heal, to feel whole and complete in themselves.  Be prepared to put your own needs and wants on the shelf and to put away your expectations, do what it takes to attend to the needs of your adopted child.  All the love in the world, all the toys and gadgets and material things you might provide will never replace or erase what was lost.

Family preservation should always be the goal.  Adoption should never, ever be utilized unless it is the last and only option left.  Because adoption should be about finding homes for children in need; NOT finding children for people to fill a need.  Jesus commanded us to help the orphan AND the widow...we as a society should do more to help famlies stay together instead of tearing them apart.  Nobody really wants to be adopted...if given a choice, they'd rather their family situations could improve so that they wouldn't have to be separated.  Would YOU have liked it if your mother gave you away?

An adut adoptee

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Dan Rather Adoption

Please watch this tonight.

Please join the discussion here.

Please read this blog here-- She is one of the women interviewed on the show.

Then let me know what you think.