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Friday, May 25, 2012

Has adoption changed?

This comes from an infertility website....  bolding and emphasis is mine.

"My Biggest Fear Was...

My biggest fear was that I would never have a baby.   It was all I ever wanted.  Having suffered with endometriosis for many years, I knew it would be difficult.  I never imagined that it would be a four year journey which included 4 laparoscopies, 3 HSG's too many blood tests, countless shots, at least 9 inseminations, 2 failed attempts at in-vitro, and a heartbreaking miscarriage.  Then there was emotional pain.  Every month I had to endure yet another loss, and somehow find strength so set myself up all over again.  I never understood why it was happening to me.  The monsters of this world were having babies and leaving them in dumpsters, and I couldn't get pregnant no matter what I did - how can that be? I know the answer now, and I can look back and say it was all worth it because my story has a happy ending - a beautiful little boy name Austin.

My husband and I never really discussed adoption.   It was part of our plan, though - the very last resort.  We would do so many inseminations, then so many in-vitro's and then if none of that worked we would adopt.   Sounds logical, right? But we never thought it was going to come to that because we kept telling ourselves that we were going to get pregnant.  When the day came that we reached the end of our plan and we decided to give up on becoming pregnant, it wasn't as hard to let go as I thought it would be.  I remember a tremendous feeling of relief.   I finally felt like there was a light at the end of the tunnel.  We realized that we could become parents without getting pregnant and this time it was really going to happen.  Why didn't we think of this sooner? Six months later we were holding our beautiful baby boy in our arms.  In that instant, all the pain of infertility when away.  We had our baby and we were his parents and our joy was indescribable.

We chose and international adoption for many reasons.   The main reason was time - it took only six months for an infant baby boy (our son was five months old when we brought him home).  We were told domestic adoptions could take years and then there was the unbearable fear that someone could try to take him away from me.  I didn't even like the idea of "open" adoptions, which seem so popular these days.  I waited so long for a baby, I certainly didn't want to share him with anybody.  We decided on Russia because we knew the baby would look like us and we knew the adoption was completely closed.  I was fortunate enough to have chose a wonderful agency like EAC, who patiently helped me through all of the paperwork and, more importantly, gave us the baby of our dreams.

Austin has been with us for three years now. Sometimes we still pinch ourselves when we look at him.  He is so beautiful and smart and loving - we feel like the luckiest people in the world to have this perfect little boy in our lives.  It doesn't matter where he came from - we couldn't possibly feel more love or pride for him.  We realize that some people are meant to become parents through adoption, and we are two of those people.  It is the best thing that has ever happened to us.  I honestly believe that we could not have produced such a beautiful child - we were graciously blessed with him.  He was born in our hearts and was always meant to be our.

Scott and Jodi"

I am simply posting this as an eye opener for those who do not believe that adoptive parents still feel this way or have these thoughts.  

Has adoption changed?  Yes.  Has it changed enough?  NO.


Foxxy One said...

I'm ashamed to admit I did have some of the same feelings when we first started our journey. Yes we did infertility treatments. No, adoption was not a last resort as we could have continued our treatments by changing doctors however I felt that I wasn't meant to be pregnant and, quite honestly, looking back, have felt that way my entire life.

We chose Guatemala because the children were in foster care vs. an orphanange, because the adoptions were mostly closed and we both felt a strong draw to the country. However, during the process, I was "attacked" on my blog by an "anti-adoption" activist. She is a first mother who was forced to place her daughter in adoption. To add insult to injury, what was supposed to be a relatively open adoption almost immediately closed once the ink was dry.

My first instinct was to shut this woman down as a kook. But my heart and soul told me to listen and I'm glad I did. I quickly got over my fear and grew to love my son's first mother before he even came home. It also forced me to look at my own adoption.

I'm sad for these parents and this child. They have, obviously, not taken the time to learn about adoption and the pain involved. By declaring they adopted the child from Russia to look like them, I'd venture to guess the boy's heritage will be lost.

I never got to say goodbye said...

I am so glad to hear that you had a change of perspective. I also am glad you shared it with me! I think it is so important that we learn from each other.

Bethany said...

I am an adoptive mother and in trying to understand our daughter's birthmother I have been searching for and reading blogs written by birthmothers. My hope is to gain some perspective. I have read many but this is my first comment. After reading so many posts and then the comments one thing is certainly true; that each experience is different. This particular post caused me to reflect on our own differences. My husband always wanted to adopt long before we were married and I was always open to it. When we started fertility treatments I did three rounds of IUI and that was it. I felt no strong pull to have a biological child and I didn't see any point in doing more extensive treatments. During the treatments my husband even asked me "But we are still going to adopt right"? So it was an easy decision to stop treatments and I never looked back nor wished I had done more. When the birthmother was pregnant we never even thought about what the baby would look like. We knew some things; that she would be biracial and I thought the birthmom was very pretty but we spent very little time being even remotely concerned about looks or skin color. I am excited to learn more about her heritage and teach her and embrace it with her. Now that we have our daughter I can't imagine ever having been able to get pregnant because that would mean that I wouldn't have her and I can't imagine life without her. Our adoption is an open adoption but that is defining itself as we move forward. We have seen the birthmom much more than we originally agreed on simply because I have wanted to and she certainly has as well. The birthmom/adoptive mom relationship is an evolving and changing one and nobody ever prepares you for it. Growing up you are taught something about friendships, boyfriends, teacher/student, boss/employee relationships but nobody ever teaches you about birthparent/adoptive parent relationships and it's a learning process, a work in progress that is always growing and changing if you are flexible and open to it. I feel a very strong moral obligation to keep our adoption open since we committed to it but I also feel a deep affection and gratitude to the birthmom. I don't want my daughter to see her as a stranger. I want her to know her. It is so sad to me to hear people refer to adoption as a "last resort" but maybe it just needs to be put into context. Adoption is not for the faint of heart. Personally witnessing our daughter's birthmom give her up and hand her over to me was the absolute most gut wrenching experience of my life. Lying on a table while a doctor squirted sperm up my uterus was by far much easier. It made me consider the birthmoms of every adopted child I know and what they went through. So I feel like I rambled but I wanted to comment and let you know that there are those of us adoptive parents who are not waiting until the ink is dry to close their open adoptions.