This was from a woman- not a adoptee, not a birthmother, not an adoptive mother... just a woman with a opinion.... there were many similar to this. It seems to me that the belief to shame the adoptee for wanting to know their genetic identity goes deep.... and many people see this as a betrayal to the adoptive parents.
I have thought about adoption. This has been my hurdle. I am fine if the adopted child wants the stats and medical history. But, this yearning for some stranger who gave you up because of a biological link is a slap in the face I could not take. I have a few friends who are asian who do not share these issues. None of them have tried to find the biological parent. If I adopt, it will be an asian child. Can't be bothered with the rest of this nonsense. Call it silly or whatever, but either you are my child and I your mum, or not. I am not going to love and sacrifice for over 18 years for some child to come inform me as an adult that they want a relationship with the biological stranger parent. That, they can't decide who should walk them down the aisle. Some people can probably take this. I know I can't. As if there are not enough issues and unknowns with adoption, you know have to wonder...will this one betray me? Will she slight me for the bios.
I think it is great that this woman is being honest with herself and I do hope that she does not adopt since this would be to hard for her. I honestly think if you can't accept the fact that your adopted child may want contact with their biological family someday- adoption is not for you.
My question really is- How in the world do you know what you would do if you were an adoptee faced with the decision to search ? How would you know until you grew up and lived your whole life wondering where you came from, what your story was, who you looked like, talked like, walked like. How would you know until you walked that road?
Is it fair to adoptees for people to say what they would of would not do?
I was reminded by an adoptee friend yesterday that many adoptive parents struggle with infertility first. They go through treatments and great lengths to be able to conceive a genetically related child. Why would it be so hard for adoptive parents to understand that an adoptee would want to know people they are genetically related to?
More then likely adoptive parents grew up with a biological family- they do not recognize what it is like to not have that biological connection to their parents and other family members.
What if we can draw a bridge from the deep desire to have a biological child--------to being an adopted person wanting to know their biological family?
Maybe if people dug deep and remembered that longing- they would get a glimpse of our longing to?
- In a study of American adolescents, the Search Institute found that 72 percent of adopted adolescents wanted to know why they were adopted, 65 percent wanted to meet their birth parents, and 94 percent wanted to know which birth parent they looked like. (American Adoption Congress, 1996)
- The psychological literature has established that the desire of 60 to 90 percent of adoptees wanting to obtain identifying information regarding their biological parents is a normative aspect of being adopted. (American Adoption Congress, 1996)
What are the Attitudes of Triad Members Towards Searching?
- Sachdev's 1991 study found that a substantial majority of birth mothers (85.5%) and adoptees (81.1%) supported access by adult adoptees to identifying information about their birth parents. (CWLA, 1998)