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Friday, May 18, 2012

Did I betray my adoptive parents by seeking out and finding my biological parents?

This is a reply to an article that an adoptee wrote about reuniting with her birthfamily.... It was a very nice article... and the replies- made my head spin.... This is just one of many comments ... many from people saying how horrible it was that this woman searched and if they were adopted they would not search.

This was from a woman- not a adoptee, not a birthmother, not an adoptive mother... just a woman with a opinion.... there were many similar to this.  It seems to me that the belief to shame the adoptee for wanting to know their genetic identity goes deep.... and many people see this as a betrayal to the adoptive parents.

I have thought about adoption. This has been my hurdle. I am fine if the adopted child wants the stats and medical history. But, this yearning for some stranger who gave you up because of a biological link is a slap in the face I could not take. I have a few friends who are asian who do not share these issues. None of them have tried to find the biological parent. If I adopt, it will be an asian child. Can't be bothered with the rest of this nonsense. Call it silly or whatever, but either you are my child and I your mum, or not. I am not going to love and sacrifice for over 18 years for some child to come inform me as an adult that they want a relationship with the biological stranger parent. That, they can't decide who should walk them down the aisle. Some people can probably take this. I know I can't. As if there are not enough issues and unknowns with adoption, you know have to wonder...will this one betray me? Will she slight me for the bios.

I think it is great that this woman is being honest with herself and I do hope that she does not adopt since this would be to hard for her.  I honestly think if you can't accept the fact that your adopted child may want contact with their biological family someday- adoption is not for you.

My question really is- How in the world do you know what you would do if you were an adoptee faced with the decision to search ? How would you know until you grew up and lived your whole life wondering where you came from, what your story was, who you looked like, talked like, walked like.  How would you know until you walked that road?

Is it fair to adoptees for people to say what they would of would not do?

I was reminded by an adoptee friend yesterday that many adoptive parents struggle with infertility first.  They go through treatments and great lengths to be able to conceive a genetically related child.   Why would it be so hard for adoptive parents to understand that an adoptee would want to know people they are genetically related to?

 More then likely adoptive parents grew up with a biological family-  they do not recognize what it is like to not have that biological connection to their parents and other family members.

What if we can draw a bridge from the deep desire to have a biological child--------to being an adopted person wanting to know their biological family?

Maybe if people dug deep and remembered that longing- they would get a glimpse of our longing to?

  • In a study of American adolescents, the Search Institute found that 72 percent of adopted adolescents wanted to know why they were adopted, 65 percent wanted to meet their birth parents, and 94 percent wanted to know which birth parent they looked like. (American Adoption Congress, 1996)
  • The psychological literature has established that the desire of 60 to 90 percent of adoptees wanting to obtain identifying information regarding their biological parents is a normative aspect of being adopted. (American Adoption Congress, 1996)

What are the Attitudes of Triad Members Towards Searching?

  • Sachdev's 1991 study found that a substantial majority of birth mothers (85.5%) and adoptees (81.1%) supported access by adult adoptees to identifying information about their birth parents. (CWLA, 1998)


Susie said...

I hope that woman never adopts. If you are considering adopting but can't handle the fact that your child would have another mother, father, entire family out there ~ then adopting is the last thing you should do.

Rebecca Hawkes said...

"they do not recognize what it is like to not have that biological connection to their parents and other family members." Exactly!

Great post!

I never got to say goodbye said...

Thanks. :)

Stephanie said...

I will never understand the coldness of some people who want to adopt, as highlighted by the quote you posted.

To think you can just write off that the child you covet does not come from the body of SOMEONE ELSE, therefore is someone else's child too, just astounds me.

Comments like that reek of insecurity, jealously, possessiveness and self entitlement~ all reasons one should never adopt the child of someone else...

makersdaugther said...

I can understand if adoptive parents feel betrayed, but this is something you needed to do for YOURSELF and not for them.
That's how I see it at least and by a-dad was very supportive and even helped me out. My a-mom, who is a crazy nut anyway, went crazy and making this all about her. I don't regret it at all, the only thing that I regret is that we live so far away.

I never got to say goodbye said...

makersdaughter, I am glad you were able to reunite with your bio family and that it has been a positive experience for you. My adoptive mother could not handle it either and had been told I would not want to search by the adoption agency. So much education and understanding is needed to help the next generation of adoptees to not have to endure this push/pull from their adoptive families.

Meg and Ken said...

I pray to god this woman has not jumped over that hurdle. She has no right to ever adopt a child. I am a mom through adoption and I will never understand why people don't get that an adopted child would and should want to know their roots, who they look like, where they got certain traits from. I am their mom and I want to know that, of course they will its human nature. My favorite sayin... "A mother and father can love more than one child, why is it so hard to understand a child can love more than one mother and father". I am so sorry to the previous posters who have parents that are not fully supportive, but SO happy to hear you searched anyway!!

Anonymous said...

The answer to that question could be subjective. But for me, seeking for their biological parent is not a betrayal of trust to the adoptive parent, but a test instead. Being a mother is a great sacrifice and includes deep concerns and understandings. I think there would be no worries if you are confident that you raised your adoptive child very well.

Aiko Dumas