Sunday, June 3, 2012
A woman trying to adopt from foster care was asking about open adoption on an adoption forum. The mother of the child is asking for an open adoption and weekly phone calls and various visits etc. This is a reply from an adoptive mother....
The replies were very appalling mostly but this one just really really really bothers me. I bolded the worst part to me.
My first question would be, is she going to be TPR’d if she doesn’t relinquish? Sounds like she is trying to hold the relinquishment over your head. Find out from your social worker what will happen if BM doesn’t relinquish. If the TPR will happen anyway, then don’t agree to anything you aren’t comfortable with in terms of opening the adoption. Granted with a private infant adoption, the BM holds the cards, but with a child that has been removed from the biological family due to abuse and neglect, the courts hold all the cards. Your daughter’s BM might not have as much power as she is pretending to have.
With my son, we send a letter and 2 pictures at Christmas and at his birthday - and trust me, that is MORE than enough contact for me! The BM then emails me for DAYS for more details to the point of harassment. I try to answer her emails but eventually it becomes overwhelming and I have to just stop responding. =( It is sad for me because that was not really the relationship I wanted with her. The problem is that she ONLY wants to talk to me about my son - and can mostly only talk about what a horrible kid he was in her care. She has even admitted to me that she hated him and was afraid of him. She has no desire to talk to him, meet with him or anything else! So even after you stand your ground and determine the most comfortable level of contact, you may find with time, that you are not able to fully embrace the concept of open adoption. Remember that there is no law that actually says you have to honor an open adoption. I believe that an open adoption CAN be a wonderful thing but my situation doesn’t seem to warrant an open adoption.