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Thursday, July 19, 2012

Feelings towards expectant mothers... birthmothers...

It seems to me that prospective adoptive parents speak really highly of expectant mothers... how wonderful and brave and strong she is....

Then you read from Adoptive parents ..... once the expectant mothers actually relinquish and takes on the title of "birthmom"... and the prospective adoptive parents  take custody of the baby and become the adoptive legal parents......

all of a sudden the birthmother is  troubled, mentally ill, a danger to the child, demanding, annoying, bothersome, bi polar...

It is not in every case .. of course-.

It just troubles me when reading- how these expectant moms who are thought so highly of and treated like hero's become yesterday's old news... and suddenly become a danger to the child...

I am just thinking about this- it is bothering me today after reading about to many open adoptions closing due to the adoptive parents deeming the birth parents are a threat...

A threat to who?

A baby is not a gift and it is not fair to "sell" an expectant mom on open adoption- if you do not stand by the commitment to keep it open.  It is not fair to knowingly deceive a expectant mom into thinking she is a member of your family and you are close friends and you care about her-
If you don't.




6 comments:

ROBYN Chittister said...

You know how sometimes, you're dating a guy and he seems great, terrific, THE ONE... and then you know him a little bit longer and you find out that he's the kind of guy who kicks puppies?

That's sort of analogous to what can happen occasionally with birthparents. (And adoptive parents, for that matter.)

You know them in one context, and it's this strange situation. Like a job interview for both parties. But then the day to day living happens, and you find out who the people really are.

Now, I do think that adoptive parents are far too hasty to close adoptions at the earliest sign of trouble. We need more support beforehand to really prepare us for what an open adoption can be, for all of the situations that can happen. We're not given this information at all, and most agencies, once they have our money, are not interested in supporting us after the adoption occurs. If you use an attorney or a facilitator, you can pretty much forget about any post-adoption support.

In our son's case, for example, we discovered that his birthmother did not make good choices. I don't share exactly what that means, because that's her business. It's nothing I'm going to close an adoption over, but if we lived closer, I would not necessarily allow visits. We only found out after she placed what was going on.

I do think you're on to something though. Expectant moms *are* put on pedestals. We should all remember that we are all only human. And we should not be so hasty to shut down when something uncomfortable happens.

Stephanie said...

Bullshit, Robyn! You all put on your best phony, saccharine sweet facade to manipulate a young vulnerable woman out of her infant, never for one minute giving one iota about her, then kick her the curb.

As the author so correctly pointed out, you then proceed to judge and dehumanize her after you procure her infant from her because you are possessive, jealous and threatened by her.

I wish you could all just admit that fact, instead of sitting on your holier than thou thrones so full of self righteousness while sitting in judgement of the woman who lost while you gained. Get over yourself, please. The child you covet is the child of another woman. Nothing will ever change that fact.

Stephanie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
ROBYN Chittister said...

Wow, Stephanie, you have some issues to work out.

Stephanie said...

Beware, angry, bitter birfmommy with "issues" on board!!

I also love how adopters denounce what anyone say's by saying they have "issues". I suspect you have a few "issues" yourself, lady... one being how you try to justify cutting a mother out of her child's life when that was not what was promised, just as you have attempted to do here, as well as being a control freak. Your right, the child you covet's mothers life is none of your damn business, so like I said, get over yourself.

"But if we lived closer we could not allow visits." Cause ya know, we looooovvee being in control of someone else's flesh and blood...

ROBYN Chittister said...

I just came back to this to see if there was something wrong with my feed reader, or if there really hadn't been any new posts lately.

Stephanie, I never cut off contact with my children's birthmothers. I don't know where you got that impression, as I specifically said that my son's birthmother's choices were *not* something I'd close an adoption over.

I said you have issues because you feel the need to attack strangers on the Internet. I don't think that's healthy.

I'm sure I have issues, but not with my son's birthmother. I don't feel jealous of her, or threatened by her. She's lived, and still lives, a very difficult life. I am proud to share our son's accomplishments with her. He knows he has two mothers. That's a fact. He will always belong to both of us. You would say that's not true, he'll always be hers alone, but that is incorrect.

As for not allowing visits (if they were even possible), the fact is that my husband and I are my child's parents. Sometimes the choices his birthmother makes are truly not safe. It is our job to keep our son safe. That's why she entrusted him to us in the first place. It has nothing to do with control, and everything to do with being a responsible parent.