I borrowed this from an adoptee I know... This is what I want you to know.
Open Letter to Prospective Adoptive Parents, Adoptive Parents and anyone else who has an interest in the adoptee experience.
What you are about to read may shock you. It may challenge you. And,
hopefully, it may inspire you to educate yourself further on the
realities of adoption. Please read the following with an open mind, and
try not to take anything said here personally. Because this is not
meant to be an attack or a judgment; it is meant to be an honest and
heartfelt expression of one adoptee's experience that would hopefully
bring understanding and respect for the often ignored portion of the
adoption equation.)
To all adoptive parents, hopeful adoptive parents, and anyone who has ever even considered adoption:
Being
adopted hurts. Being adopted is hard. It is not beautiful; it is
brutal, it is tragic, it is a cause for great sadness. For in order for a
child to even be available for adoption, that child must first go
through some sort of tragedy; whether that be abuse, hunger,
homelessness, neglect, or even the simple fact that he or she is losing
the life and family he or she was born into. This makes adoption a
thing to mourn; not a cause for celebration or joy. To be joyful about
adopting a child is to be glad that this tragedy happened.
I
don't think there's a soul alive who would actually choose to be born
into a situation where being relinquished for adoption, voluntarily or
otherwise, was necessary.
Of course there will always be a need
for children to be removed from their parent(s) and placed in safer,
more stable, loving homes - but please understand that no matter how
good and loving and wonderful the adopting parents are, nothing will
ever erase the pain, the grief, and the loss that comes with being
adopted.
The very foundation of adoption is that of loss - a
child loses his or her mother, father, and entire family; a mother,
father and family loses one of their children. And, yes, even a loss
for the adopting parent - sometimes the loss of the expectation of
having their own, biological offspring, the loss of a dream of having a
baby of "their own." A separation of one family MUST occur before a new
one can be built through adoption. Maybe it isn't a voluntary
destruction, maybe the destruction is necessary for the health and
safety of the child - but it is still a destruction of the very core,
fundamental foundations of that child's life that will forever be
altered.
Think of it this way...one of your parents dies, and
your surviving parent eventually goes on to remarry. Though you might
grow to love and have a great relationship with your parent's new
spouse, no amount of love and happiness in this present situation will
erase the grief you feel over the loss of your other parent. So please,
if you have adopted or are considering adoption, keep this in mind.
Adoption
should be the very last resort after all other options have been tried.
Ask yourself this - does an adoption HAVE to happen? Is there
anything I can possibly do to help this young mother keep her child?
Are there resources I can direct her to, items I can supply her with,
can I offer her the support and encouragement she needs to be a good
parent? If so, then pursuing adoption is not the right choice. Too
many unnecessary adoptions happen as a permanent solution to a very
temporary problem. Adoption, after all, is forever - while a current
living situation, job situation, etc., is temporary and can be changed
and improved. Most women who relinquish their children do so because
they feel they have no other choice...but what if she does have another
choice, and only needs the support and encouragement to make it?
Adopted
people know we are a second choice, a "Plan B," a solution to someone
else's problem. While there are some people out there who would choose
adoption first, most only do so after failed attempts at pregnancy or to
"complete" a family of all boys or girls or to give their current child
a sibling. Adding to your family through adoption should never be
about meeting some need of your own...it should always and only ever be
about providing for the CHILD'S needs. Please don't put the added
pressure on an adopted child by forcing them to live up to the unspoken
standard of the child you couldn't concieve or the son or daughter you
couldn't produce. Adoption is not a cure for infertility, nor are
adopted people "gifts" to be passed around in order to complete somebody
else's life. We are human beings in our own right, with our own
feelings, needs, and wants. Don't add to an already painful situation
by expecting us to be something we weren't born to be.
Please be
willing to be completely open and honest with the child you may someday
adopt. It doesn't matter how horrible of a situation they came out of;
tell them the truth, and tell them early. For the truth can be dealt
with, it can be processed and closure can be found; but nobody can get
closure from fantasies and daydreams. Adopted people are stronger than
you give them credit for; believe me when I say, we imagine and prepare
for every possible scenario when it comes to our families or origin.
Don't think we haven't entertained the idea that our biological parents
were the worst of the worst, or idealized them as some sort of saintly
creatures, and everything in between. We have already survived the loss
of our original families; don't for one minute think we can't survive
knowing the reason why. And on that note, if an adopted person ever
chooses to search, reunite, or just know more about their family of
origin, don't guilt them into not doing it or make them feel beholden to
you. It has NOTHING to do with you. NOTHING. Human beings are born
with an innate curiosity about who and where we come from. For some
adopted people to feel whole, they need to know their own personal
history and explore their roots. There's nothing wrong with that.
After all, you, as the parent, are responsible for your adopted child's
happiness and well being...not the other way around. Swallow your
pride, put away your jealousy, and support your adopted child in any
quest for truth they may wish to undertake. Believe me, they will thank
you for it.
Don't fall into the terminology trap. Adoptees know
they have more than one set of parents...two that created them, and the
parent(s) who are raising them. ALL are real to the adoptee. Don't
get caught up in who is "real" and who is more important; let your
adopted child choose the terminology that suits THEM. If you have been a
good and loving parent, that's all you need. Besides, a parent can
love more than one child, so why can't a child be allowed to love more
than one parent? The heart has an infinite capability to love. Don't
begrudge your adopted child the possibility of loving people he or she
may not even remember.
And don't disparage the biological
parents or family either. They may be evil people, the scum of the
earth...but to say anything bad about the biological family is the same
as saying something bad about your adopted child. The child did come
from these people, after all; and better or worse we did inherit parts
of ourselves from them. The old saying applies here more than anywhere
else...if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at
all.
Adopted people experience a range of issues from having been
adopted...many suffer from the fear of rejection and abaondonment, have
problems trusting others and forming relationships. After all, our
very mothers could walk away from us, so what's to stop anyone else?
Though not all adoptees experience these, many do, and to varying
degrees. Just because the adopted person in your life hasn't mentioned
it, don't think they don't feel it. Many will never, ever talk about
their negative adoption issues for those exact reasons...fear of
rejection, fear of abandonment, and just the overwhelmingly negative
response they expect. If the adopted person in your life (your child, a
friend or other family member) ever does talk about it, take your
personal feelings and judgments out of it. Resist the temptation to say
things like, "But you had such wonderful [adoptive] parents!" or "but
you could have been aborted/thrown in a dumpster/etc.!" Adoptees are
the only subset of society who are wholly expected to be grateful for
our very lives, and with this expectation comes the need to try to
suppress any negative emotion or feeling. Most adoptees won't even
admit to themselves, let alone other people, that they are hurting.
After all, we got this "better life," didn't we? We don't have the
RIGHT to feel sad/angry/depressed. So many adoptees choose to stay
silent and instead live a lie.
And, yes, that goes hand-in-hand
with the child-parent relationship thing...remember, the PARENT is
repsonsible for the health and well being of the CHILD, NOT the other
way around. Only in adoption are adoptees somehow expected to always be
careful not to "hurt" their adoptive parents; not to rock the boat or
bring up something about their adoption because their PARENTS might not
like it. This is another reason so many adopted people don't speak
about adoption...we are afraid of hurting our adoptive parents. I know
that as a parent myself, I would never expect my children to be
responsible for my well-being...so please, don't ever place that
expectation on adopted people either. After all, their adoptive parents
WANTED to adopt, they WANTED a child, and chose this path for
themselves. The adoptee most often did not choose it and had no say in
the matter. Don't expect gratitude. ANYONE could have been aborted,
could have been abandoned, could have been abused. These are not
phenomena that are solely related to adoptees. Just because a person
was adopted doesn't automatically mean they were unwanted, that they
"could have been" anything...they are just people who are being raised
by a different family and are living a DIFFERENT life, not necessarily a
better one.
Please, if you are considering adoption or have
already, educate yourself. Read books such as the Primal Wound. Read
blogs by adopted people and relinquishing parents. Go into it with an
open mind and open heart. Understand that there is the very real
potential that the child you someday adopt might just struggle with it.
And while you can be a terrific parent, a wonderful guide and mentor,
the damage has already been done. Be prepared to do the hard work of
helping your child deal with any grief, anger, and other issues he/she
may feel. TALK to them about it. Adoptees are notorious for keeping
things bottled up...let them know it's OK to talk with you about them.
Reassure them that you will NOT be hurt, offended or damaged by their
feelings. ALLOW them the freedom to feel whatever they feel.
If
you are considering an open adoption or have entered into an open
adoption, HONOR that. Unless there is some clear and present danger to
the life of your child, KEEP THE COMMUNICATION OPEN. Don't cease
contact with the biological family because it's an inconvenience for
YOU. Understand that yes, at times it might be emotionally trying for
your adopted child, your child may come away from visits or reading
letters and feel depressed and angry, but don't take that as a reason to
cease contact. TALK to your child. Help them understand WHY they are
feeling this way. It's only natural that this might happen; and in the
same breath, the biological mother/father/family may also feel
overwhelmed at times and pull back, but do what you can to keep the
lines of communication open. Remember, adoption is based on loss, and
being reminded of that loss can be overwhelming. But that doesn't mean
it should be avoided. Your adopted child will thank you someday for
sacrificing your own happiness and comfort to allow him/her to keep this
very important connection.
Try not to make a big celebration out
of your child's adoption day (and PLEASE don't EVER use the horribly
offensive and insensitive term "Gotcha Day). The same goes for
birthdays. For while it may be a happy occasion to remember, keep in
mind that it also marks the day that the adopted person was permanently
and forever separated from their mother, their father, their original
family. Birthdays are especially hard; for most adoptees have the
knowldedge that our births were not cause for celebration; nobody was
bringing our mothers flowers and balloons and offering congratulations;
our entrance into this world was one of sadness and trepidation. And it
marks the day we were phyisically separated from our mothers; for many
of us, it was the last time we ever saw her. So if the adoptee in your
life withdraws around his or her birthday or doesn't appear to like
celebrating, respect that. Understand that to many of us, it is not a
cause for celebration.
I am not trying to tell anyone not to
adopt. I am not saying, "shame on you" to anyone who already has
adopted. What I am saying is, please step back and really think long
and hard about the ramifications of adoption on the very person who is
at the center of it all - the child you hope for or the child you have
brought into your home. Be ready and willing to put a lot of hard work
into helping this adopted child heal, to feel whole and complete in
themselves. Be prepared to put your own needs and wants on the shelf
and to put away your expectations, do what it takes to attend to the
needs of your adopted child. All the love in the world, all the toys
and gadgets and material things you might provide will never replace or
erase what was lost.
Family preservation should always be the
goal. Adoption should never, ever be utilized unless it is the last and
only option left. Because adoption should be about finding homes for
children in need; NOT finding children for people to fill a need. Jesus
commanded us to help the orphan AND the widow...we as a society should
do more to help famlies stay together instead of tearing them apart.
Nobody really wants to be adopted...if given a choice, they'd rather
their family situations could improve so that they wouldn't have to be
separated. Would YOU have liked it if your mother gave you away?
Sincerely,
An adut adoptee
