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Tuesday, April 17, 2012

anger- rejection- shame-

Well.... things have changed a little for me.

32 years ago my birth parents had a 6 month long relationship in my birthfathers hometown in Nebraska. They lived in an apartment- my dad worked at a meat packing plant and my mom stayed home. They had an argument and my mom moved out and went to Illinois. My dad went to California. A few months later my mom realized she was pregnant and tried to contact him- only speaking to his mother who said- it's not my sons he can't make babies. So my mom was on her own with no family support.

She went into labor, went to the hospital and relinquished me.

I found her when I was 20 years old and I contacted my birthfather when I was 26. He had a family of his own- a wife and 2 sons- who at the time were in jr high I believe. We did a DNA exchanged pictures and emailed regularly- almost every day. He continually told me that after this, after this, after this he would tell his sons and the rest of his family. We met that first summer and he said he would tell them after he met me- he never did tell them.

We met again I think it was the following summer and he brought his brother , my uncle along and we have built a strong bond. We talk regularly and he has come to visit me. I cut most contact off with my father for his refusal to tell his family about me. I was hurt and angered at the way he was ashamed of me and wanted to keep me a secret and keep me from knowing my natural family.

Last year I was being diagnosed with fibromyalgia and some other medical problems and my uncle said he really thought I should talk to my aunt since she had many of the same conditions so he called my aunt and put us in contact. He asked my dad if this was ok and my dad said no- that I could look up my medical conditions on the internet- .... sorry dad- they don't list family health history on the internet.....

So Aunt and I became friends and talk occasionally. We are on facebook together as well. Well- her daughter saw me on facebook and wanted to know who I was- and she told her- so now I am friends with her on facebook as well.... and just this last week another daughter of hers messaged me and asked to be my friend.

MY uncle who I am very close to had an exciting happening last week- a son he had never known contacted him! And this son and his two kids are getting to go to Nebraska to meet the family( this is a very large family)

I am happy for them but I am ANGRY to..... I am MAD at my birthfather- I have been patiently waiting 7 years for him to share me with the family- and he has declined. So I emailed him that I thought it was time to talk. He did not reply but called my uncle and asked what was going on with me. My uncle told him the truth that I was ready to know my family- that I was in contact with my aunt and two of her daughters and it had been 7 years. He told him that we were friends on facebook and he has me listed as his niece. My dad said- well can't you take her off facebook. My uncle said- J- that is NOT going to happen. She is mad and she has every right to be. My dad said we had a deal and I told her when I was ready I would tell her and then I would let her go to see them.

WHAT? For one that deal is 7 years old. I am 31- almost 32 years old and I really don't need anyones permission to meet my blood relations. I have tried to respect his wishes truly I have- but I strongly feel that the time is up. My uncle said J- she is not asking for your permission- she is giving you a heads up.

My dads reason for not wanting anyone to know is because he does not want his kids to find out. His sons are 17 and 19. This is what he says- he does not want them to know he had premarital sex. I would be proof that he had premarital sex.


That is his reason. For one my dad was 27 years old at the time of my conception- had served in the vietnam war- traveled extensively over the world and even been in prison for 4 years for burglary. My dad did not marry his wife until 1984- and they met in 1980. I mean really? Does he really think that his almost adult sons do not think he engaged in premarital sex?

I have spoken to my aunt and her two daughters and they think my dad is dead wrong. They want to meet me and they are sorry I am being treated this way. 7 years.

I am so blessed that my uncle stood up for me. He said she is sad because she has been waiting 7 years longing to meet this family- and my son finds me and he gets to meet them in the same year and I tell everyone and it is a celebration.

You treat her like a dirty little secret.

There- that's my story of the week. It hurts- I can't believe he is still behaving this way. He is saying- I want to retire. What does me knowing my family have to do with his retirement? I know he is up in age but is senility setting in? I don't want money- I just want to meet my family. He can leave his kids out of it if he wants- but I do intend to meet my family. I have waited long enough.

I am not a child- I am a grown woman with 2 kids of her own.


Jenn said...

Shame on him. Seriously. I don't get this dirty little secret crap. I'm so glad that you have an amazing uncle in your life who is willing to go to bat for you. (((hugs)))

I never got to say goodbye said...

Thank you. I am down about this today- it is hard- I just hate it. I don't want to have to go against my dad but at this point- I feel like I have to or that I want to. I don't want to cause a family rift tho- I am an outsider and some family members may see it as me doing him wrong but so far the few I am in contact with support me 100% I am just worried about getting hurt worse. I wish he was more open and accepting of me- but after many years I have accepted this is not about me it is about him.

Linda said...

I like your Uncle!! Your dad sounds like my f Mother. Her excuse forever was, "I dont want my kids to know I had premarital sex". Gimme. A. Break.

Contact your brother. He is an adult and your Dad doesnt have the right to get involved. If he was going to tell them, he would have done so already. Its not fair to you, or your brother.

Foxxy One said...

I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this. Your Uncle sounds like a stand up guy -it's a shame his brother isn't. I hope you find a way to give yourself peace - you sure as hell deserve it!

I never got to say goodbye said...

Thanks foxy!!! I get more peace every day!!! It is all a growing process- one day at a time. I learn more and more every day and am working on self acceptance now.
Hugs to you! Glad you are reading my blog!