SO I am not going to be blogging about adoption right now cause I just can't. I am in the middle of what is about to become a nasty divorce and I just can't go there right now.

My kids leave to be with their dad Friday for 9 days and he has not yet found them a babysitter.
I am livid.
I have stayed at my parents house the last 2 nights cause I just can't bear to be alone.... the weight of raising the kids has me bent over in agony some times.... how can I do this?
I love my babies very much. It just hurts sometimes.....

Tonight we drove around and looked at Christmas lights. As we were leaving our apartment building( in a " nice subdivision") I noticed the fence that seperates our " nice subdivision" from the housing projects across an open field. Someone had decorated it with Christmas lights. Drawing my attention to it more.
It is a black metal fence standing 7 feet tall..... whether keeping " them" out or "us" in- I don't know..... but seperating us jus the same.

I wonder how the kids on the other side of the fence feel about the fence? I wonder what my children and others see that fence as? A barrier between " good " and "evil"
the " bad" poor people and the " good " middle class ones? It reminded me of the division of who I am... and where I come from.... a girl who should have grown up on the other side of the fence- yet here I am on the side.... never feeling that I belong.... like an imposter.
I want to rip the lights down- because whoever put them up most likely never thought about how the people on the " other side of the fence" even felt about that fence.

And it makes me mad that it is even there.... lights and all.

Unite.
Emilie

Birthmom

My birthmom Sandy called me a few weeks ago. two nights after I spent hours on the phone trying to reach her even going as far as calling the police.
She is doing much better though has moved and doesn't have a phone.
She has been hospitalized for a back problem.
She also sent me two letters and a card and a picture.
Just thought I should comment we are reopening communication.

catching up and my bdad visit

Hi all interested parties- I am wanting to post once a week at this point on various adoption related issues and my life.

I am going to start by catching you up on the last few months of my life.
After leaving my husband on May 1 my kids and I stayed with my adoptive parents for 3 weeks when my brother( their bio child) was to come home after graduating college and they for lack of a better term- asked us to leave( you know- kicked us out) since my brother and I do not get along..... at all. this happened on a saturday them full well knowing that I got to move into the Domestic Violence transitional housing shelter on Tuesday....
I thought they should ask him to find another place to stay for a few days since he is one person and I have 2 kids and not as many friends- but alas....
then they had a graduation party for him that we were not invited too until people started asking where we were. lol.
anyhow.... the kids dad stbx was up for the weekend and we were forced to stay in the hotel with him as we had nowhere else to go. This arrangement suited my folks.
so we got into our apartment on tuesday and stayed there until the end of August when I rented our first apt.
Our divorce is in the works and hopefully will be completed in a few months.

In July I got a job at a chiropractic clinic I worked at in High School and we started off on our new life of daycare and working long hours training for the positions I was to fill.

I also waitress a few nights a week..... so unimportant right now though....

I am going to share with you the visit with my biological dad.

We were meeting in a hotel in Chicago.... I brought my 2 children and two teen babysitters along to help with the kids. We drove into Chicago early in the morning and by the time we were two turns away I did not want to go. I collected myself enough and we parked.... and then I saw him in the door. He walked up to us and we hugged- no tears or anything but just looking at each other and stuff. We went into the hotel together and visited for a bit. We then checked into our rooms and the kids went swimming while he showed me albums of his family( he has 9 brothers and sisters- his twin sister who is deceased and my dd look very very similar. There were no outstanding similarites I felt between any other of his siblings to me but one. But in pictures it is hard to tell. We talked a bit but it was awkward.... I just wanted to look at him and see me in him.
Then we prepared for lunch with my parents. I asked them to join us for lunch and it went well. We took the kids( against my request) and ate at a nice italian meal. It was so funny watching my dad and my dad talk. It was obvious to me how much more like my bdad I am than my adad but I was pulling for both of them ya know. I think it was importnat for my parents and for my bdad to meet each other My parents could not get over how much we looked alike( they have never met my bmom!)
They are more open about my being adopted now and my son openly says he has 3 grandpas and includes his biological grandpa John.

Then we went back to the hotel and hung out. I think I took a nap cause I was just so overwhelmed and the kids and babysitters went to the store.
We went out to dinner and then at night he showed me slides from Africa when he was in the peace core.
My biggest finding from being with my dad was that....If he would have been my dad he would have liked me.... unlike my adad who just doesn't. I know you may say- what your dad not like you? Hmmmm...
My mom is a very submissive woman. My dad is not attracted to strong intelligent women- he is intimidated by them and talks badly about them.
When I asked my bdad what my bmom was like he described me. that is what he found attractice- important- etc.

Anyhow- that is all I can do for now. I have put so much of my adoption stuff on a shelf or integrated it and it is very useful..... to me to know- but anyhow- it is hard to go into for me due to the other stuff going on in my life.
I hope you can appreciate my attempts to write about these things right now as I am doing it very much for you the reader and not so much myself as before since it is not exactly where I am right now- but I do feel I have worthwhile things to say.
Maybe ask me a few questions and I can answer them to get into it.... feel free.
Much peace to you all

I just wanted to update and let you know my bmom's phone has been disconnected..... for the first time in the 7 years I have known her.....
I was pretty upset about this but am okay with it now..... I still have so much more i want to tell her.....
Good news is that my bdad whom i just found this past fall is going to be in our area and we are meet in 2.5 weeks!!!!!! WOW!
He is stable so hopefully this meeting goes better.

I feel funny typing about these issues at my adoptive parents home- as if i am betraying them for speaking about this- and all.....

I'm back.....

Well- thank you for the replies I have receieved. I have had a TON of changes happening in the last 2 months which have taken me away from the computer but I am anxious to get back to this blog and do plan to continue and expand on it.... as I have a lot to work thru and would love the feedback from others as I do.
I have figured out a ton of things since I finally decided to look into my adoption as being the root of my "issues" instead of being a non issue( at all!) and this from someone who has been in and out of therapy for 10 years!!! My precursor- I'm adopted- but very fine with it so we won't even discuss it( which btw never was questioned by any therapist)
So now- wow.... so much has changed.
After finding my bdad and seeing that he was a normal, nice guy- who was - hmmm alot like me- kind of the flood gates opened and I started to see myself as a normal nice lady- instead of there being something inherently WRONG or flawed with ME!
And then I came to the conclusion that - hmmm.... I didn't deserve to be in a shitty marriage....
So I left my husband of 4.5 years with our two kids in tow and relocated to my hometown. This of course is really worth about 15 blog entries.... and will be once I have a moments time.
We have our own place now thru a family services agency and I am starting a full time job TOMORROW! ( Wish me LUCK!)

I have also come to some conclusions about my adoption and the ways it has affected me and the ways that the effects could have been minimized for me- by some things being handled differently- and I have also been able to seperate some things off of my adoption and onto my parents having an extremely verbally abusive relationship both with each other and with me as well- I highly reccomend the book The Verbally Abusive Relationship by P. Evans- www.amazon.com )
I have also found that mixing these two major things together- really really was .... not so good for me.
This is all for now- but you have alot to look forward to as I have really really come a long way in a short time- and all because I thought to think that maybe - just maybe- my adoption did affect me.... and maybe it would be okay to admit it - and maybe by talking about it- that would help.....
THANK GOODNESS- how many years have I lived- and how many would I have lived- feeling guilty for thinking this- and not dealing with it-
If you know an adoptee- or are an adoptee- please know- IT IS OKAY TO CARE.

Peace to you and yours!
Em

ring, riiiiiinnnnnnggggg.....

Hello. Ring ring ring ring......
Not answering.... again. I don't remember the last time I talked to my birthmom.
I do not recall us having a bad talk.... I know she got a new apartment and was going to move- she had stayed in one place for 10 years waiting for me and her son to find her. She said she would not move without telling me and letting me know. I have always done the same for her.
Every time I let a year go by I worried everyday that something had happened to her, she moved, died, got sick..... and I would not know.
We have a set up now that some of her friends would contact me if something happened to her.... but her friends I have learned are not all that reliable.
But it is not like her phone is disconnected- it has never been. She is quite responsible about her bills.
So... what is she thinking as the phone sits ringing. What does she want? Does it put her in a mood- is she MAD? Does she turn the ringer off- cringe? Roll her eyes?
Is she happy to just know I WANT to talk to her?

Where is she at with me and all of this? How does she feel now knowing that I did want her and need her.... that my life is not all peaches and cream... or does she think- that it really was and I am just really a lying spoiled little brat who has no appreciation for her sacrifice?

the thing is- I did not ask for any of it.
Had I been there who knows what I would have decided? I wasn't asked. She did what she thought was best- and it probally was best.
After giving me up things that happen to me were not her fault- it was the people that did those things fault? Now is it my fault for not hiding in a shell and LYING to her about everything being perfect as I had for 6 years..... I don't know. Did I make the wrong call? It is apparent to most I am not perfect and have some "issues" - everybody does?

She is no saint that is for sure.... she wanted better for me- and I got it. Thanks. So now you want me to be grateful and perfect to.... what is this the theme in my life?

I think it is funny to think that humans would not be affected by being adopted and raised by a different family. How could we not be?
Sure I don't know all the ways I was affected and I never ever will.... but to think that I wouldn't be affected is just ludicrous.

Call it whatever you want to- being an adoptee means something. Being adopted means something.
I also think about those people who think that their children pick them.... well- why would we choose such a rocky road? Are we destructive souls from the start? Bumbling idiots who couldn't wind up in the right womb?
If children are to pick their parents wouldn't many pick better?
What about the starving children in 3rd world countries.
It doesn't make any sense.
So enough about that.....
I plan to write her a short letter just asking for her to drop me a post card and tell me she is okay.
She is okay- she is just you know- messed up. She's had a rough life.
I miss her and I love her and I just want her to pick up the damn phone.
Spoiled.

family size

Hi.... I am thinking about something.... and this is not well thought out so I may come back to edit it.

My birthmom came from a family of 6 kids. My birthdad came from a family of 10 kids.
My two best friends since Juniour high school..... you know the first friends you kind of pick? both come from Large families. One from 12 and one from 10.

Conicidence that I have always enjoyed their families? As crazy and dysfunctional as they are?

I have been fascinated by them to a point that I wanted to be in their families.

I wonder if it is because I knew somewhere in me that I was a part of a large family also? Or was it just that big families are interesting and my feelings are relatively normal of anyone adopted or not?

my head......

The internet trolls

It has come to my attention that not all the people reading things written on the computer are good people. They are not all nice.... caring, compassionate people. Some are mean. Be it because they are bored, insecure, or just hurt as children..... they spend their time reading what is written about others lives and then bashing it- to others - on the computer as well.

This totally gets under my skin. For one- being so naive to not ever even think about this happening. For two- being so totally open about myself on the computer and to think about - What if someone is making fun or being vicious about me out there in cyberspace?

And then it occured to me that it does not matter. Yet again- I remember that others opinions of me and what I stand for, believe in, do or say is not important.... it is how I feel about myself that is. I hope I can learn this lesson and instill it in my own kids.

So I went to one of these places where women- mostly- other mothers are bashing- yes- OTHER MOTHERS. Because- they are different- not like them.... WEIRD.

And it made me think of all the things I do- that my adoptive family deemed- different, not like them..... WEIRD.
And how being raised outside of my first family has affected me.... A concept I do not even begin to believe I can understand now- or possibly ever will.

I will give an example.
Pretty much my whole life I have used the phrase- "ya know" Much like a Canadian would use the term "eh" in his/her speech. I have been ridiculed and even punished by my father and mother for doing this. They thought if they just scolded me enough for this weird thing I said- then I would stop.
I never thought of this being out of the ordinary experience for a child to go through. Many parents criticize their child for using improper language or grammar.
Imagine my surprise when I spoke to my birthfather and I found that he too.... uses the term " ya know" the same way- as I do- possibly even more than I do.

This is a small snippet or a small issue in my life and my adoption. One had I not met him- Iwould have never thought twice about- not why I say it- why my parents get so mad about it- or even how to stop. It isn't something I could stop- it is just in me.
It does however make me wonder- how many other things- viewed by my parents as being odd, different, not like them, weird- would have been perfectly common place in my orignal family?
How could adoptive parents deal with things like this now as to not alienate their childs true self into something that is odd, bad, different and just who they are. How can we encourage knowing what to respect and not to?
And to what an extent has this affected me. What would my life have been like if I had had people genetically related to me- by my side? Assuring me- not in words- but by the mere act of being- that I was okay .
Ya know.
Emilie

To be adopted.....

I never really got what it meant to be adopted.... I barely think I even do now..... what has my adoptions impact been on me- the ME I am and the ME I was intended to be? Every experience impacts us and shapes us- some more than others but all life is learning....

What happened to me in the 12 days from the day I was born to the day my adoptive parents got me?
My amom(adoptive mom) recalls me being kept by an older woman. That is all the information they have..... it was a holday weekend- or was it the doctor was out of town... either way- They had a delay and I had to stay with this older woman for longer than expected......
How old, who was she with, what was her name? Isn't it funny I have never before thought to ask these questions. All my life- I just thought- Oh ok. I was kept by an old woman....

did she rock me to sleep- did she sing to me? Did she call me something- what was my name?
I wonder who this woman was- when she got me? Was I just hours old- days? Was she a foster parent with the state or a person working for the adoption agency? Did she do this often- and were there other babies there?
And of course the question at the bottom of this is- WHY does no one have this information?
Why will I never know?
Who has the answers to these questions?
Would they tell me if they even had them?

I think of my babies early days- and I picture the baby me- wondering what is going on- peacefully sleeping- crying? Wetting , hungry. What was this older womans parenting beliefs? Did I get to eat on demand or did she have me on a schedule?
After I was born did the nurses hold me or did they just go back to their shifts? Were they too busy that night to notice the little orphan baby girl?
What impact- if any did those 12 days have on me?
How would I ever even know?

I'm back

I found this old blog from November and I thought I would just continue on with this.....
Since the last post I have spoken to my birth mother on a handful of occasions. With one fall out where she basically told me she was disappointed in who I was..... and she seems to know me so well.
So I am guarded and wounded by her but okay. It was a very hard thing to do and I am still glad to have met her.... but do not know if I can have her in my life as she hurts me so with her anger.

On a great note- I contacted my supposed birth father- John in September and we have been corresponding thru email ever since. We just took a DNA test to be sure he was my biological father- and he is! We have spoken now 2 times on the phone and emailed more pictures back and forth. He looks alot like me. Which is very weird to see myself now thru my parents.,...
Complete.

We hope to meet when he comes thru my state in the summer. I look forward to that.

I have figured out alot about adoption and my adoption and its impact on me following Sandy's visit. I have learned alot about how others feel about adoption- and how I feel about adoption.
I have gotten to find that I have more questions than I do answers and I hope by blogging here I can find some answers and even more questions I am sure.

You can expect a blog soon about snynchronicities and the reunited family which is a book I am reading.

Emilie