How well does your partner understand adoption and adoptee issues?

Just curious- if you are in a relationship- at what point do you tell the you are adopted?  When do you tell them you are concerned about adoption issues?  At what point do you try to explain it to a non adopted person what it is like to be adopted if you are going to be having a close relationship with them?  I am seeing a new man and he has figured out that I spend a lot of time on adoptee boards and blogs and seem to care alot about this issue.  He seems very perplexed by this and does not grasp it at all.

What does one do?

So.... a girl I used to go to church with is a transracial adoptee- she is African American and her mother and father are white.  She is on my facebook and today is her birthday her mother is on my facebook to.

For one- I got annoyed that her father and mother are pastors of a small church and she just announced on facebook that the mother is obsessed with Coach purses and got her one for her birthday.  I just don't get the whole Coach purse thing so that had me rolling my eyes- but here is the kicker.

The mother says 27 years ago today we got to bring you home.  That is nice- acknowledges her not being born of her- that is good.

On down the mom says 27 years later and I still have your stretchmarks.    Ummmm.... weird.

Then the daughter says I love you mom you are beautiful and I get my looks from you....  UMMMM.. no you don't.  For one- they look nothing alike and two- she is not biologically related to you at all. 

It just made me sad.  And weirded out....  I mean really? 

I am super sensitive lately I guess and maybe they were just joking around- but I know on my birthday I always think of the woman who gave birth to me- and I also highly doubt this woman was brought home on her birthday- she surely had to spend a day or so in the hospital right- especially 27 years ago- anyhow- the whole thing just made me go- what are they talking about???

I am just rambling- but it's like when you get a red car- and you notice everyone has red cars- ....

when i get interested in adoptee issues- it seems like adoption nonsense is all over the place- from my kids cartoons to jokes on facebook....  The other day there was a picture of a baby crying and a older child sitting next to the crying baby....

Under the caption it says- I just told him he was adopted!!!  LOL!!! 

HA HA... NOT FUNNNY!

There is a woman who has a blog and she is insane and she is pissing me off so bad right now-

I will write more about this later- but really lady come on.  I hope to God she does not get pregnant- she is doing IVF treatments- and she speaks on her blog about many psychiatric hospital stays so hopefully she will not be able to adopt.  She also refers to the possible unborn child as " this F#$%^*( baby better be worth it... really come on.  SO SO SO SAD!  Oh and to top it off- she has over 8000 likes on her facebook page or something like that and it just makes me SICK.   Children being abandoned in dumpsters is not funny.  She says she loves to rescue animals and wants a rescue baby just the same way.... oh can I even begin to start going into why this line of thinking is SOOOO WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Just had to vent... I would post a link-but I really hate that she gets so many hits in the first place.

If you want it- message me but she is not funny and she is sick and disturbing.

To update- I emailed her and said what I thought and how offensive it was what she was posting... she said she helps thousands of women with her blog?  She said I really upset her and devastated her.  I am having a hard time believing I was the first person to point out how offensive her blog is and that she was so shocked that I did not appreciate it- and felt the need to let her know how troubling it was.

I truly feel for women who can not get pregnant- I don't know what it is to walk in those shoes- I got pregnant early and unexpected... and I don't pretend that I do.  But I do know what it is like to be an adoptee.... and I do know that just because you can not get pregnant surely does not mean you are cut out to raise an adopted child.  It's not that simple.  

I talked to him- it went decently well- he basically said he wished I had waited till his boys were well on their way- whatever that means- I mean they are 17 and 19 and the 17 year old is either going to stanford, harvard or yale- I mean really-???

Anyhow- he said if I want to meet the family fine but he won't be there-and I said that is your choice.

We talked for about 30 min just catching up and at the end he said I love you. I said it back.

But really- is this what love is? Is this the way we treat our children? It's not the way I treat mine.

Anyhow- its over now- I was so nervous about the phone call- and it is done. I told him my intentions- agreed to not contact his sons- I mean- I really don't want to anyway- what would I say? I am happy to meet the rest of the family and happy I am not doing it behind my dads back.

My birthdad will be calling me on saturday I just got an email from him saying he will call me on saturday. My uncle talked to him yesterday and he said his tone had changed a lot. He said that he felt there was relief in his voice. Like the first time he spoke to him he felt he was scared and angry and the last time he sounded relieved. I would not want to live a lie for 7 years.

Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers. MY uncle advised me if he starts to hurt my feelings or try to fight with me to say Dad I am not doing this to fight with you and I am going to hang up now. Period. He said do not let him hurt you- you are doing nothing wrong and it is time. This is a reason for celebration not sorrow and if he does not see it that way that is his loss. I am so thankful for my uncles support.

For those of you adoptees who have been rejected by your birth parents- keep looking- the love and acceptance and FAMILY I have gained from my uncle is so wonderful. I am so thankful for the relationship I have with him.

I also talked to my aunt today and we had a great talk- I am going through a break up and we are a lot alike and have the same broken picker lol- and bad luck with men and she was so supportive. My adoptive mom had one boyfriend ever- my adoptive dad. It is nice to have someone in my family who has been a single mom and knows what I am going through. Inside and out.

Hugs to you all... Please keep me and my family in your thoughts and prayers.

My hope is after looking through my facebook he fell in love with me and my kids, we'll see. My fear is that he is going to try to delay me again.... I will not be delayed this time. Why waste more time?

Facebook and my Birthdad.

Well right now my dad is searching my entire facebook page- I have one like from him from a post my son did to my uncle ( my dads brother) where my son said I love you Uncle J- love K.
My dad liked it. I don't know if he liked it- because he liked it- or that he wanted me to know he was looking at my facebook- this post was back in January- so it looks like he went thru the entire page.

Just waiting and seeing. The family I am in contact with is in full support and from the sound of it- the ones I am in contact are no longer not the only ones who know- I think the cat is out of the bag.

Thanks for your support during this trying time.

anger- rejection- shame-

Well.... things have changed a little for me.

32 years ago my birth parents had a 6 month long relationship in my birthfathers hometown in Nebraska. They lived in an apartment- my dad worked at a meat packing plant and my mom stayed home. They had an argument and my mom moved out and went to Illinois. My dad went to California. A few months later my mom realized she was pregnant and tried to contact him- only speaking to his mother who said- it's not my sons he can't make babies. So my mom was on her own with no family support.

She went into labor, went to the hospital and relinquished me.

I found her when I was 20 years old and I contacted my birthfather when I was 26. He had a family of his own- a wife and 2 sons- who at the time were in jr high I believe. We did a DNA exchanged pictures and emailed regularly- almost every day. He continually told me that after this, after this, after this he would tell his sons and the rest of his family. We met that first summer and he said he would tell them after he met me- he never did tell them.

We met again I think it was the following summer and he brought his brother , my uncle along and we have built a strong bond. We talk regularly and he has come to visit me. I cut most contact off with my father for his refusal to tell his family about me. I was hurt and angered at the way he was ashamed of me and wanted to keep me a secret and keep me from knowing my natural family.

Last year I was being diagnosed with fibromyalgia and some other medical problems and my uncle said he really thought I should talk to my aunt since she had many of the same conditions so he called my aunt and put us in contact. He asked my dad if this was ok and my dad said no- that I could look up my medical conditions on the internet- .... sorry dad- they don't list family health history on the internet.....

So Aunt and I became friends and talk occasionally. We are on facebook together as well. Well- her daughter saw me on facebook and wanted to know who I was- and she told her- so now I am friends with her on facebook as well.... and just this last week another daughter of hers messaged me and asked to be my friend.

MY uncle who I am very close to had an exciting happening last week- a son he had never known contacted him! And this son and his two kids are getting to go to Nebraska to meet the family( this is a very large family)

I am happy for them but I am ANGRY to..... I am MAD at my birthfather- I have been patiently waiting 7 years for him to share me with the family- and he has declined. So I emailed him that I thought it was time to talk. He did not reply but called my uncle and asked what was going on with me. My uncle told him the truth that I was ready to know my family- that I was in contact with my aunt and two of her daughters and it had been 7 years. He told him that we were friends on facebook and he has me listed as his niece. My dad said- well can't you take her off facebook. My uncle said- J- that is NOT going to happen. She is mad and she has every right to be. My dad said we had a deal and I told her when I was ready I would tell her and then I would let her go to see them.

WHAT? For one that deal is 7 years old. I am 31- almost 32 years old and I really don't need anyones permission to meet my blood relations. I have tried to respect his wishes truly I have- but I strongly feel that the time is up. My uncle said J- she is not asking for your permission- she is giving you a heads up.

My dads reason for not wanting anyone to know is because he does not want his kids to find out. His sons are 17 and 19. This is what he says- he does not want them to know he had premarital sex. I would be proof that he had premarital sex.

Really.

That is his reason. For one my dad was 27 years old at the time of my conception- had served in the vietnam war- traveled extensively over the world and even been in prison for 4 years for burglary. My dad did not marry his wife until 1984- and they met in 1980. I mean really? Does he really think that his almost adult sons do not think he engaged in premarital sex?

I have spoken to my aunt and her two daughters and they think my dad is dead wrong. They want to meet me and they are sorry I am being treated this way. 7 years.

I am so blessed that my uncle stood up for me. He said she is sad because she has been waiting 7 years longing to meet this family- and my son finds me and he gets to meet them in the same year and I tell everyone and it is a celebration.

You treat her like a dirty little secret.

There- that's my story of the week. It hurts- I can't believe he is still behaving this way. He is saying- I want to retire. What does me knowing my family have to do with his retirement? I know he is up in age but is senility setting in? I don't want money- I just want to meet my family. He can leave his kids out of it if he wants- but I do intend to meet my family. I have waited long enough.

I am not a child- I am a grown woman with 2 kids of her own.